Here I sit...
I know I took the easy out yesterday with the song... but I do love that song - it sort of calls back to the post where I spoke about that cinematic feeling that washes over me sometimes.
I've got to tell ya that I'm pretty exhausted this week, but I am determined not to miss a day. So, it may be brief but here it goes.
I was driving home the other night and it was really late... in fact I believe that Band of Horses song was playing. And for some reason every so often there is a certain moment when I begin to think about Mindy. It's usually once my night is done and I'm driving home alone, knowing that I'm about to return to an empty bed. That took some time to get used to, but now I do sleep rather well by myself - however, nothing beats laying next to a warm body.
As I moved down Beverly Blvd towards my home I began to think about her and the nights we would spend together the brief period we dated (on and off). I really mishandled that whole situation (we both did). It wasn't entirely my fault it didn't work... I did the best I could with what I had at the time. It was just bad timing... BUT, I did like sleeping in that bed and all that came with it (including a really shitty shower - seriously, someone should sue whomever manufactured that shower head)... but it wasn't just about sex with Mindy... In fact, about 3 or 4 months ago we met for a drink to catch up, ended up back at her place, and it just seemed like a given that I would spend the night (at least that was how she presented it). I really had no other interest other than sleeping in a bed with someone whom I was comfortable with. Granted, it was a little awkward in that Mindy was still nursing her wounds from her recent break-up with a guy she really loved. But I was fine with it. I really just wanted some company and she was willing to be that person... I think it was a little bit of the same for her.
I laid there next to her and we were rather silent. When all is said and done (including my comments about her "issues"), Mindy has a good soul and there is a part of her that's very loving -- I know she wants to be someone's wife and be a mother - I think she'd be great at both. I know this about her and I can feel how badly she wants it. So we laid there quietly, slightly drunk and enjoying her head nuzzled into my chest - my eyes closed and I was just minutes, maybe even seconds, away from falling asleep. I could feel her sadness. I could feel her questioning whether or not it was a good idea to let me stay the night. She didn't need to worry... I wasn't interested in trying anything and I wasn't getting the wrong idea by being extended the invitation. We were simply two lonely people just getting through a night together. And before I fell asleep, I simply told her I was sorry about her heart being broken. I felt the quick fluttering brush of her eyelash on my skin. I told her she deserved all the love she wanted and that I knew she would one day get it. I kept my eyes closed as I allowed myself to drift away, but not before I could feel my skin start to get slightly damp. The light sniffle coming from Mindy told me what I could already sense.
I wasn't proud of the fact that I made her cry, but I meant what I said and I wanted her to know that someone else in the world believed love was possible for her even if in that moment she had her doubts.
So, minus or minor interactions, that was really the last time I was with Mindy in any sort of real way. The reason? Only she could tell you. You've read my postings about her, so you know what I've contended with.
On some other notes, I kept the dialogue going with Sandra at the office and we even took a walk outside in the afternoon. It was cool to have someone to hang out with at work like that. It's important in order to maintain some sanity. I'm serious, I could stare at that computer all day and never go outside. Sandra is nice and I look forward to hanging out with her again. I did learn some good stuff though about where she's coming from. I'm too tired to get into it, but I'm sure in time I'll share.
Cath and I are continuing are textship. I've pretty much written that whole situation off, but being able to text her and carry on a conversation is a good back-up plan to have as far as just having someone to distract me while I'm waiting on something else to pop. Does that make sense?
Ugh, I'm yawning and about to go to sleep.
good night everybody....
A Message to Apologists From a Survivor
1 week ago