Monday, January 17, 2011

1/16/11

It's time to take a pause... just a moment for me.

I guess that sounds a bit silly since this whole blog is basically about me.  I guess I'm referring to actually taking a moment to be serious.  I've been reporting on my pursuits and what not and am sort of having a moment.

Not a funny moment, but more of a serious one.  I know I've spoken about Cath and my interests and concerns.  More specifically about the fact that she's recently broken up and whether or not I'm even in a position to get anywhere with her.  The reality is while we've had fun exchanges she has yet to want to hang out in person (minus the late night invite and the cancelled meet ups).  I guess want isn't the right word.  The point is, there appears to be no rush... which is fine.

What's this mean?  Well, I've been giving this some thought tonight.  I know I spoke about the great day yesterday with the beautiful weather and all.  I didn't let the cancelation of the meet up affect me all too much.  But tonight... tonight I'm sad.  I'm lonely... I need someone... Sadly, for me, it can't just be anyone (I've tried that and don't like it)... I wish I knew what I wanted because I'm quickly realizing my current criteria is probably not the best foot forward.

Now, I'm still game to give Cath a chance when the time is right... should it ever decide to be right.  But what I'm noticing is my pattern.  The women I'm choosing to pursue.  There is a common thread they all share to some degree... and I'm taking this all the way back to Mindy - the first girl I actually sorta kinda dated post marriage.  Be it Mindy, Cath, or the ones in between who I was "into".  Yours truly seems to go for the ones that are... you ready?  Emotionally unavailable.  

I'll expand on this.

Well, let's take Mindy.  Things started out great.  Solid first date (and to her credit she wasn't even prepped by the person who set us up that I was recently separated and had kids, so kudos for her for even trying to inch ahead) -- But when she got concerned about how "ready" I was to be in another relationship she then took a step back and became somewhat emotionally unavailable - she didn't bail on me altogether, but there is a reason we were on and off for three months.  And clearly I was drawn even more to her the more unavailable she became.  Why?  I wanted to be the one to tear down that wall (perhaps it made it all the more romantic for me).  I wanted to be the exception to her rule(s).  Maybe it makes it special to choose the emotionally unavailable one, because then if she were to open up emotionally for me that would make me special to her... I think that actually kind of makes sense.

And if I look the at the other women I've pursued (mind you this doesn't count random hook ups) I can see the same pattern.  There was a girl, we'll call Florence, and she's a gorgeous older woman with a grown kid.  She's super sweet and just like the others - fun conversation... got on well - enjoyed each others company (the one time we really hung out)... so what was the problem?  Florence isn't into dating.  Now, I have no idea what that means -- I think it has something to do with the fact that she's in her early 40s and has gotten accustomed to looking after herself.  Her companionship comes from the men she surrounds herself with (pretty much all Gay men btw)... I don't say that as a negative - it's just her reality.  I, of course, felt myself more and more drawn to want to hang out with her.  Again, in the end I may have discovered I didn't like her, but I couldn't get further than hanging out once before she just backed the eff up... Common thread?  Emotionally unavailable.  BUT, if she were to be into me, that would make it all the more special, right?


Maybe I'm too intense... I need to relax... I think.  IDK!

Who else?  Oh yeah, another one.  Same deal.  Let's call her Bonnie.  She's a cutie and we seemed to enjoy hanging out.  Three-peat of the first two.

Now look, the bottom line is I may not be their taste which is also a contributing factor to all this (just like when I go out with someone and decide the person isn't for me) - I don't just want to put the blame on them by saying they're emotionally unavailable... perhaps they are just emotionally unavailable to me.  As Mindy proved she was able to go on and really fall for a guy (who of course broke her heart).

And now here we are with Cath - I must be fucking nuts to think this girl is ready for something.  I think I just need to back up a beat, let her breath, and then see what comes... if anything...  the ball is rolling (no need to kick it any further)... just let it roll.

The girls that I find to be into me are cool, good girls, but for whatever reason I haven't been enthralled enough to take things further.  While at the same time I meet girls who I really dig and they're (I don't want to say unattainable) more difficult to progress with.  It really must have something to do with the idea that if they're not open to something, but then I change that - it makes it more special that they changed that for me (I don't want to be just anyone or a "this guy will do") -- something they weren't able to give to anyone else... that's the girl I want.  The one who isn't open to a relationship, who perhaps doesn't believe in love, etc., but then I come along and change that... it's all very cinematic ain't it?

Great, so now I've shared that sad revelation - or interesting to say the very least.  None of it changes the fact that I'm sitting on my couch writing this rather than falling in love (or being in love).  It's not that I'm desperate, but I would like to find some happiness -- something consistent, something I can rely on... something beautiful.

So, to Mindy, Florence, Bonnie, and Cath - I bid you all a good night.  You're all beautiful women and deserve to be happy... I'm pretty sure you already know I'm not the one who can give you that... well, except for Cath.  That ship hasn't sailed yet -- We're still preparing to cast off.

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