Monday, February 28, 2011


I'm just giving this to you to listen to so you can feel me:

So, come on....


Sorry about that post last night, ya'll...

I was clearly on sensory overload!  It happens.

You know what's interesting... troubling?

The more time that passes and the more I continue to struggle with relationships the more complicated things get... why is that?

There is something to be said for simplicity -- I know inherently that life does not need to be complicated.  It's us who complicate things... so why am I complicating things?  I don't think I have a choice.

I remember back (and have written about) the first girl a really sorta dated post marriage.  While there were issues that ultimately led to the demise of "dating", there was something rather simple and easy about it.  I was set-up, we went out, we liked being together... done - sort of.  Even after I had to tell her I was getting a divorce and had two kids (because the "set-upper" did not properly prepare her) she was willing to give it a whirl.  Granted she may not have agreed to go out had she'd known (so I give her credit for giving it a "whirl").

As I said, there was something simple about two people just liking each other and being together.  I think in that case, she complicated things and then I followed suit.  I was just happy to be there and with someone who was good to me and liked being with me.  It was the other things that were out of my hands (divorcee, kids, do I want to marry again, do I want more kids -- you know, the usual).  Once things got complicated it was hard to make it back from the simple beginnings.  I started complicating things too with the "am I ready am I not" etc...

Again, something happened even more recently... and now I'm beginning to question myself, my sense of self, who I am - maybe I'm not a good "catch".  Sure, maybe I give a great first impression, but once the layers get peeled away... I'm not longer what I first appeared.  I'm not sure.  Like I said - I'm complicating things.  I'm questioning.  I get gun shy about women the more things don't work out. I'm afraid to say too much for fear of scaring someone off - and perhaps doing too little has the same impact.  I'm not sure I know how to be.

I'd say be myself, but who myself is is changing.  I'm soft spoken in some cases.  In others, I'm affable and upbeat.  Other times I just want quiet.

What once seemed simple has now become complicated, which leads me to believe that in order to be an active participant in life things are going to be complicated... it's just a given.

More on all this later as I continue to experience things.

But I go back to something my Grandmother said to me and I need to remember it more.  It makes a part of pursuing someone a little less complicated.  And that's this...

Why do people do what they do?  Because they want to."  

Their actions reveal all.  An unreturned call or email means it wasn't/isn't important enough.  Use that information to asses where things stand.  In many instances what people do and say are very different.  Go by the former... not the latter.  Obviously, you need to determine the legitimacy of what someone is saying as far as that goes.  But "I was so busy" (or any phrase in that realm) doesn't cut it... it means it wasn't important enough for that person to respond.  There is a more in-depth answer, but that's the simple way to put it... and I like keeping things simple.  So take what my Grandmother says above and look at it this way

Why didn't he or she call you back?  Because he or she didn't want to.

Twitter it, Hash tag it... and post it.


Sunday, February 27, 2011


It's getting late... I should have posted something hours and hours ago.  I spent the entire day working, so I'm going to try and get something out on the page before I pass out of exhaustion.

** Warning - Family members who choose to read on must keep their mouths shut.  If I'm going to share my feelings it doesn't mean I need an email from you checking in.  This is therapy for me, so keep your input to yourself. **

There - that's better.

So, now that's out of the way... what is it I want to share tonight.

I'm sad tonight.

I'm sure a lot of it has to do with the fact that I've been on my feet today volunteering my time and my protective layer has been depleted, leaving me susceptible to what I'm feeling.

I worked hard today and when all was said and done - I went home alone to an empty apartment to fall asleep in a bed by myself.  It's so quiet to (again, part of this must be just the coming down off the sensory assault I went through today.  I'm sure I'll feel better tomorrow.

That's it - I've shared... now I must sleep.

Keep it real...

Saturday, February 26, 2011


I had an interesting conversation the other day with a couple of women - a conversation about the beginning stages of a relationship.

Now, I've been out and about - dating and what not... With each date I'm presented with an opportunity.  And with that opportunity it's for me to determine what is and isn't right for me.  So, how do I decide what is or isn't right for me?

Now, I spoke before about assumption and how it's never good to assume anything.  If I'm dating someone and I feel myself begin to get insecure or start second guessing things I have two choices - either spin my wheels right out the situation or confront and simply ask for clarification on what it is I'm assuming... BUT - there is something else I need to let myself rely on... and that's instinct.  Assumptions, fear or whatever you want to call it - sometimes you have to go on instinct and what your gut is sensing.  Even if what your feeling isn't in line with the other person and what's really going on, you still know what it is you want and there is something to be said for not getting what you want.

I'm experiencing something now that I am going to hold off getting into... for reasons that will be explained later.  As I've said, I don't want to write about current relationships because I think if I do it I'm just waiting to fuck up a good thing.  Could you imagine if I started dating someone and it really started working out and she suddenly discovered I had a blog and had been documenting my pursuits her.. I think that would simply be baaad news.  Anyway, if my gut is telling me anything right now, it's that it's a pretty safe bet I'll be expanding on this post soon.  

Is any of this making sense?  I'm slightly delirious and have been working non-stop this weekend.

Bottom line - I feel like I'm still calibrating the internal love system and learning how to do all this for the first time.

I wish you all everything.

May love prevail.

Outtie 5000

Friday, February 25, 2011


Never seen you looking so lovely like you did tonight/Never seen you shine so bright...

Take a look at me/Tell me do you like what you see...

I don't see nothing wrong -- with a little bump & grind...

Don't you want me baby/Don't you want me ohhh-ohhhhh...

Shoot that poison arrow through my heaaaaart/Shoot that poison arrow....

Don't go for second best, baby/if you know your love it real...

I hope I got most of those quotes right.

Adios, kids

Thursday, February 24, 2011


You are all catching me at my complete worst creatively...

These postings are mere place holders for what should be exceptional pieces of written literature.... or at least some funny self deprecating stoof.

My excuse?  Well it's the usual -- it's just one of those weeks... you know the ones... the one makes you want to call up that shrink in Beverly Hills... you know the one... Dr. Everything Is Gonna Be Alright...

Anyway -- it's a crazy time right now... but I promise I'll have some good stories to share this coming weekend... I'll be able to breath a little...

I send hugs, kisses, moonbeams, and rainbows your way.


Wednesday, February 23, 2011


I just - I just - I just..... can't do it today... I'm sorry... I'm drowning in a sea of work.

I wrote you a poem yesterday... I'm not James Frickin' Franco who can clearly do two billion things at once.

That guy is freaking incredible.  He's super-human.


I am...

A) Human
B) Sub Human
C) Inhumane

I want to add this brilliant quote from a song called "Keep Yourself Warm" by Frightened Rabbit:

"It takes more than fucking someone you don't know to keep warm."

I want to thank the person who gave me the album "The Midnight Organ Fight" that includes this song... amazing!

Now, piss off!

Tuesday, February 22, 2011


There just isn't enough time...

I wish I could sit here and wax poetic for you, but you see it's Tuesday and I'm sitting at my desk getting slammed from all directions.

Me?  I good --- but busy....

I like the way theYOLD is unfolding before me.

I can offer a small wordling:

If I Had Something

Having nothing that is something is better than having something that is nothing. But having something that is something... well, that's something we all want.

Monday, February 21, 2011


This is all I need to give you today....

Falling Slowly

I don't know you
But I want you
All the more for that
Words fall through me
And always fool me
And I can't react
And games that never amount
To more than they're meant
Will play themselves out

Take this sinking boat and point it home
We've still got time
Raise your hopeful voice you have a choice
You've made it now

Falling slowly, eyes that know me
And I can't go back
Moods that take me and erase me
And I'm painted black
You have suffered enough
And warred with yourself
It's time that you won

Take this sinking boat and point it home
We've still got time
Raise your hopeful voice you have a choice
You've made it now
Falling slowly sing your melody
I'll sing along

Sunday, February 20, 2011


I'm feeling a new sense "ease" in my life.  I would never shout the words "I'm Cured!", but when it comes to women, I'm not getting ahead of myself.  I'm not sure why this is... is it the culmination of almost two years of healing... is it a maturation that wasn't there before?

Not sure...

But I do know that my anxiety has subsided a bit on the female front.  Perhaps I hit my relationship bottom a few weeks ago and a much needed visit to the therapist provided the perspective I needed to move ahead.

I'm learning my boundaries - I'm learning to not get caught up in the wheel spinning I used to do.  Fear and assumption are two words that do not help matters of the heart.

I think it's easy to fall back into the routine of being ruled by fear and assumption because they are two things I was very comfortable with - that combined with some childhood wounds that continue to be nursed and you got a messed up individual (or rather one that can shoot himself in the foot when it comes to the ladies).

Like I said - I would never venture to say I'm cured - I'm sure I will have down days... it's inevitable... accepting that fact allows you to move ahead without fear.  We are not infallible to our weaknesses. 

Can you dig it?

Advice From A Divorcee - #1

Two albums to keep you company during any break-up:

Noah And The Whale - The First Days of Spring

The Eels - End Times

These are both incredibly melancholy albums, but if you're like me, it's nice to have someone keep you company in your misery.  I hope they serve you well.

They now remind me of a time that has past... which is nice to say.

Saturday, February 19, 2011


Not much for you today.  My back aches.

I'm tired.

I want a warm body to sleep next to.

I'm going to hand it over to Ellen Aim & The Attackers if you don't mind...

...nothing is going to stop us if our aim is true...

Friday, February 18, 2011


Some late night reading for you all...

I know I'm now really late in posting this.

Let's talk about sex --- oooh, now I've got your attention.  BUT, I'm serious - let's talk about it for a moment.  In fact, let's talk about me and sex.  Let's talk about the fact that while I enjoy it very VERY much, there is a part of it that I am incredibly sensitive to...

Any idea as to what that is?  I'll give you a second... in fact, take a moment, play this video and see if you can figure out what my issue is 


OK, so here is my issue - and it's not my fault... I'm sensitive to the noise of sex - more specifically the noise of sex when someone else is in the house... even more specifically my kids (given that I'm now single I haven't had to deal with this problem since I keep the two worlds divided at this point - meaning, the kids don't meet anyone until it's serious.  So, if I'm having sex it means they aren't around).

So, why you may ask am I sensitive to the noise of it.  Well, it's simple really.  You see yours truly grew up in a condominium that had a lot of common walls.  More specifically a common wall with my mom and step-dad's room... ah, now it's starting to become clear. If the video above informs us of anything it's this.  If Chong and the lovely red headed gal are my mom and step-dad, that would make me Cheech, sans the congratulatory post-coital "I didn't know your name was Alex" line.

While the scene above is very VERY funny, it was a very VERY real thing for me growing up.  I would hear two things coming through those walls - Yelling and Fucking.  And neither were fun to here.  But I really can't imagine anything more scaring than laying in bed and having to listen to my mom get pounded by my step-dad - A step-dad who already made things uncomfortable enough by the simple fact that he walked around the house in banana hammock underwear, and worse, sometimes nothing.  Trust me, you don't want to be on the receiving end of an angry step dad whose yelling at you sans clothes.  I swear his penis had a vein that stared me down just as angrily as he did.  How horrific.  But that's another story.  I've got a lot of step dad tales.

This is the story of me having to listen to my mom have an orgasm by a man who wasn't my father for 10 years.  I don't know what more to say about that.  Maybe I don't have to say much more.  Perhaps this is enough information to send you off into your weekend with and let you meditate on the fact that groans and moans of sex don't appeal to me when someone else is nearby, because truthfully how uncomfortable is it for them.  Now, if I've got the house to myself... GO FOR IT!  Give me your porn star best - although don't make it too hot or else I might not be able to contain myself.

Ech - my kids better not read this.  I really don't want them to hear their father talk this way.  But truth is, there is no easy way to tell this story.  And it's a story that needed to be told because it helps paint the picture of who I am.  I'm a good person (although some of you may think otherwise - and you know who you are) but these are the events that contributed to my emotional delinquency.

I guess I'm done sharing for now.

Fuck me, Alex.

Thursday, February 17, 2011


You all must hate me!

I feel like I'm so behind.  It used to be I would get these up first thing in the AM... now, I'm finding myself rushing mid-day just to get something posted.  But still, I am meeting my goal of writing something every day, so that counts for something.

Today I offer this - again, it's something I've touched on before.

A lot of us (if not all) go through life thinking there is some sort of rule book for the way things have to work when it comes to relationships.  I think the old fashioned approach to marriage is slowly evolving into something different.  I do believe in love, and commitment, and even marriage. But two people can only do their best and if it doesn't work then it doesn't work.  There should be no shame in it.  As long as both people did the best they could (remember though the "best" is an always changing thing based on a number of factors).

People will give you opinions as to what works and what doesn't - as I've always said there are no absolutes.  So while there may be a pattern as to what works and what doesn't, it doesn't mean there can't be exceptions to the rule.

However, no one should be faulted for their opinion.  What works for one may not work for the other.... and thus the negotiation begins and the two people involved try to find some form of common ground.

Relationships begin and end and sometimes begin again... I say "great!" -- Do what you want as long as it's not detrimental to your health (both physically and emotionally).  Spend less time assuming what the other person is thinking and just ask... the truth is much better and usually not as bad with what we play out in our minds.

This is a very free form stream of conciousness posting.  I hope it makes sense.

Party on, dudes!

Wednesday, February 16, 2011


Can you feel it?

It's 5:25pm PST and I haven't posted my most recent disasterpiece.  What gives?

Well, theYOLD readers... sorry for the delay.

I've been busy.... but never too busy to say a little something.

Divorce is odd experience (to say the least) -- I'm sure I could come up with a ton of expressions to describe what it's been like.  But I'd like to quickly share this.  I'm not sure how many of us who were married thought we would end up divorced from our spouses.  I certainly knew it was possible, but I did think the odds were in my favor... especially because of "the photograph".

You see, I think in every circle of friends there are the couples everyone expects to get divorced and the ones no one does.  For better or for worse, we were lumped into the latter... "the photograph" didn't help matters.

You see the photo that exists (and I think every group of married friends has this) is from your "stereotypical" couples weekend getaway.  You know the one depicted in movies that somehow involved Alan Alda as an over analyzing husband.  Anyways, I have one of those trips in my arsenal.  And if you looked at that picture at the time, and knew the players involved, you might be able to determine who you thought would last and who wouldn't.  From that photo, two fell victim to the D-word sooner than later and it was only us and another couple remaining.

When it was announced we were ending it, people were shocked.  We were the couple people thought would last... which just goes to show you that you never can really know what goes on between two people when you're not around.  it was always an interesting to notion to look at "the photograph" and wonder what the outcome would be.

I am happy to report that the remaining couple in "the photograph" are still together.  I hope they make it -- they deserve to.

See ya, suckas!

Tuesday, February 15, 2011


I'm so behind!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I don't have time!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Here is something for you to chew on....

Valentine's Day === I spent with not one... but TWO of my nearest and dearest...

MY KIDS!!!!!!!!!!!

XOXO to you all... I hope your VDay was full of it.

Monday, February 14, 2011


Dear Heartless,

You always seem to put yourself in these positions.  You have a weekend approach without the kids and then forget to make plans and then you end up bumming because you have nothing to do.

Your Friend,

Dear TheYOLD,

While I did find myself with moments of "what the fuck am I doing sitting on the couch at 9:30pm on a Saturday night" I'd hardly say the weekend was a complete disaster.  I did some things.


Dear Heartless,

What's with the 'tude?


Dear YOLD,

No 'tude -- just saying it wasn't ALL bad.


Dear Heartloser,

Come on!


Dear TheYOLD,

I don't like you today.


Dearest Heartless,

Man up!


Dear Asswipe,

Fuck off.


Sunday, February 13, 2011


I sang (no lip sync-ing) along with this song for my sixth grade talent show... of course it wasn't without technical difficulties.  NEVER rely on a boombox when you're about to unleash a song on your fellow students.  It most certainly will be met with disaster.  After some tears and words of encouragement from my Dad, I managed to get it together and bust out this jam.

Meanwhile, Howard Roth and Michael Frumovitz killed it with their lip sync'd...

I think they ended up being the hit of the show.... God damn sixth grade, second rate, Milli Vanilli wannabes.... :\

Saturday, February 12, 2011


The human condition is an interesting thing.

Now, I don't say this as way to share anything I'm currently dealing with -- although I've referenced the "friend zone" in the past.  This is simply something I'm thinking about because it does reflect a truth for some of us.  While it may not be a current issue... it's definitely been one in the past... and not even the recent past... we're talking the waaaaay past.

We need a name for this -- Let's call it "The Duckie Syndrome"... yes, a "Pretty In Pink" reference.

I'll always remember this one girl when I was in high school.  Her name was Jenny and she lived a few doors down from me - textbook, right?  Anyways, Jenny was so fucking cute - she was a cross between Debbie Gibson and -- what am I saying?  She looked just like Debbie Gibson and yes, I did have a thing for Debbie Gibson in High School.  It was less about the music and more about the funny feeling I was getting in my whoo-ha region.  She was my "Only In My Dreams"/"Shake Your Love"/"Lost In Your Eyes"/not so much "Electric Youth" crush.  So when the Gibson doppelganger was only a few doors away I was sold.

Ooooh Jenny what happened to you?  All I wanted to do was something to you -- to tell you the truth - at that age I'm not sure what I was capable of (even though other boys may have been scoring homers, I was still just happy rounding second).  Now what I remember is this... Jenny had a boyfriend (like they all did).  I'm not even sure the guy lived around us.  I think he was more of a city dude.  Me?  I clearly had the Duckie syndrome full throttle, but that's what us awkward, puny, prepubescent teens did.  Girls didn't take us seriously.  We were more like little brothers and we took what we could get.  There was no chance for a romantic future (at least the immediate future).  What proof do I have?  Once again I submit the evidence in the form of "Pretty In Pink".  In the original version of the film Duckie is suppose to end up with Andie.  They did such a good job at casting the Duckie character (a career making role from Jon Cryer) they soon realized when they were filming the final scenes where they get together ... it just wasn't working.  The romantic connection wasn't there.  They were friends (at least in Andie's eyes)

I think John Hughes had his heart in the right place when he wrote the original version, but it wasn't real and audiences weren't going to buy it.  I think Duckie went on to do just fine, but Andie's role in his life was that of Jenny in mine.  Granted I didn't hang out with her to the extent Duckie did, but like I said, it was my "friend zone" crush.

Now this part gets a little graphic (not sexually, obviously because I never had the good fortune of hooking up with my Debbie Gibson lookalike).  I have this memory, and like the grade school/Donna story, I have a vivid picture of this moment with Jenny.  As I said, I remember her being a girl who always complained and was breaking up with her boyfriend.  The boyfriend, playing the role he's suppose to play, was a dick who played the "be a dick to her" game perfectly.  It allowed me to play my Duckie role (although I never got to lip sync "Try A Little Tenderness" to her).  Knowing me, I would have chosen some Duran Duran song like "Save A Prayer" - Gay, I know... I sort of rolled like that.  SO, Jenny always seemed to be breaking up and getting back together with this guy and she would of course complain to me.  And I would listen, thinking that today might be the day she decides to drop that zero and get with this hero (Vanilla Ice said it better).

Look, you and I both know that wasn't going to and didn't happen, so don't think I'm going to drop some sort of bomb on you about the one off second base dry hump session.. because it didn't happen... sorry to let you down.  BUT, here is what I remember and it was awesome.  I was over at her house and hanging out in her bedroom.  We were chatting about something - God knows what.  I was sooooo lacking in "game" that I'm sure I was just talking nonsense and trying to contain my pants.

I'm sure Jenny knew I had a thing for her because I can't imagine why else she would do this... unless she thought I was Gay.  And to tell you the truth, it's a possibility.  My short stature, love of Duran Duran, what I think was new wave attire, and high voice I'm sure hinted that I was in sexual limbo.  I assure you I wasn't.  I had a stack of Playboy magazines which I enjoyed "looking" at - we'll leave it at that.

Back to Jenny's bedroom.  So there I was and there she was.  We're talking about whatever we're talking about and all of a sudden I remember her pulling out a vibrator and showing it to me (no, she didn't "show" it to me), but she showed it off.  It was a scene out of some coming-of-age movie.  It was your basic model - no bells and whistles with the exception of it's purple color.  I don't remember if it was hers or if she was showing me her mom's.  I think it was her's.  I mean, why would she show me her mom's vibrator.  So, there I was - definitely dealing with some pubescent issues.  And we giggled.  She turned it on - we laughed some more.  I think in a moment of trying to be funny I put it in my pants as an attempt to play it off like it was what I was packing.  We laughed more as the vibrator protruded from my shorts while activated.  It was quite funny...

And that's all I remember.  But clearly there is a reason that moment stands out in my mind.  I had such a crush on her.  I don't remember what happened to her - like I said, we didn't hang out a ton.  We were just neighbors.  I don't even think we went to that same High School.  I think... think... she got knocked up at a young age (most likely from el dicko).  I have a vague recollection of seeing her at the mall with a baby.  And that was it.

Another story in the arsenal of relatable experiences.  Spending your teenage years of being in the "friend zone" does have its benefits.  Later in life you tend to relate better to women which brings more opportunity once you've finally gone through puberty and are socially and mentally prepared to handle your business with the ladies.  If "Pretty In Pink" defines the "friend zone" experience, then I suggest also seeing the movie "Just Friends" with Ryan Reynolds because I think it does a solid (and yes funny) job at showing what the future holds for those of us who spent our younger years in that horrible place (however, I wasn't fat... I was small).  If there were young High Schoolers reading this I would say have faith that it gets better... but, in truth, there ain't no High Schoolers reading this (at least I don't think).  So, perhaps there are those of you who were like me and will seek comfort in knowing you weren't alone (not that you thought you were).

Jenny wasn't my only "friend zone" experience, but it's the one that stands out.  I'm sure there were also girls I had crushes on who may have liked me back, but I had no clue how to initiate back then... except for at Summer Camp.  There, I didn't seem to have a problem... but that's another story for another time.

Go out and play!

Friday, February 11, 2011


We're not even two months in and the times they are a-changin.  I'm serious people.  There is something to be said for being an open and honest book, but I've quickly come to realize that not everything should/needs to be shared... now I'm being redundant.  Being an open book is a fun theory.  Like watching a TV show, but this is my life we're talking about.

I do have lots say and share about my experiences in 2011 and I will continue to do so, but with a little more caution.

I am going to stay on the path of that of story teller... granted they'll be my stories, but stories from my past that will perhaps give insight into who I am... it's no fun if I just tell you.  I will paint a picture be they of girlfriends past or just what it was like to witness my step-father march around the house in his bikini underwear (horrific, and I have the friends who witnessed it to back me up).

I have been through it all - obsession, heartache disappointment, love, real love, lust, passion, isolation -- things most all of us have gone through.  I don't think it makes me special -- just relate-able.

But you tell me... you read these tales from yesteryear and make your determination as to who you think I am.  I've already shared one story about the first "girl" I remember connecting with...  I'm not sure I can write a story a day, so if I continue to post some videos, quick musings, and what not as interludes between them so be it.

Deal with it, because your truly has got a job to do.

Thursday, February 10, 2011


What do you want from me?  Blood?

There is only so much writing I can do during the work week... especially when things are rolling along as they are.

I give you links -- video treats -- my BST (blood, sweat, and tears)... and what do you do?  You take and take and take and take.... did I mention you take?

Not to mention I've got a hacking cough that I have to drown in heroin flavored cough syrup at night so I can sleep which makes waking up in the AM feel like a Juggalo whose been rufied at an Insane Clown Posse show.

Anyways.... Me?  Alls good for the most part -- some things great, some things good, some things not so great. The USUAL...

I went to a concert last night and had a blast -- great band called Friendly Fires.  As I said on my FB page... I liked them before I went to the concert, but after seeing them live... I love them... they're awesome.

I will say I am completely over the whole camera phone hipster taking pictures of the band while they're performing bit... I mean, are you a fucking photographer for Rolling Stone?  How about you put the phone away and enjoy the show or if you feel the need to take a picture, how about you and your friends having a blast.... But just standing there taking a photo of the band performing each song is ridunk -- Oh, that's right, they look completely different when they performed the third song as opposed the first song.  Enjoy the show... you don't need to prove you were there... I believe you... and if I call bullshit, you can show me the ticket stub and then rub it in my face that I wasn't there.

Seriously, it's taking away from my experience to see all these hands in the air holding phones and taking pictures.... it's pulling me out of the experience... You're not hired press, you're a fan... act like one.

Also, you know your phone is NOT going to get a great shot to begin with... unless you've got your press pass and badass equipment ready to go, grab your beer, find your spot and sing the fuck along like the rest of us.  And don't try to video with it... What?  Who is going to want to look at a shaky ass video with audio that's so cranked up it sounds like Alien dying after Ripley torches the "bitch" in "ALIENS".

Show's over folks... go home.

Wednesday, February 9, 2011


I have nothing to say to any of you today because I am trying to process some things.

But in the mean time a shout out to my brother (step) for launching his new Facebook application... Heartbroker... not to be confused with the Lovebrokers.

Go for it all you single people!

Tuesday, February 8, 2011


Communication stinks....

I stink....

The whole God damn machine stinks.

I don't know how I'm suppose to continue to do this.  I have so many pre-existing conditions...

41, divorced, and with kids is no way to go through life, son

I have no regrets when it comes to my kids, but I will continue to feel undesirable until someone makes me feel otherwise... that's just how I roll.  I'm sensitive to the fact that I have many rivers to cross before I think there is even a shot at something.

Those rivers?  In no particular order... however, they tend to all run together as such:

"I'm 41 - yeah, I know I don't look it."
"Oh, yeah. I'm divorced... about a year and a half ago."
"I have two kids."

So on and so forth... If I manage not to have the woman run screaming from the room, then perhaps there is a chance at moving ahead.  But the problem is it lends itself to more questioning.  It almost kills the chance of anything organic happening because now the woman has to ask herself the following:

"Do I want to go out with a 41 year old divorcee with kids?"

Fair question and almost always leading to these little gems:

"Gosh, do you think you'd want to get married again?"
"Gosh, do you think you'd want to have more kids?"

Now, those are reserved for younger women who have yet to do any of those things... but still, once that line of questioning starts there isn't much I can do as far as my sensitivity.  I've been burned by this before, so when a woman leads with it my defenses go up and I know that at any given second she can change her mind about the whole thing regardless of what she thinks of me as a person.

MY OPNION?  You could ask that married/kids question to any man whether he's been through it or not and I think there isn't much more or less of a chance at getting what you want.  You can ask a 27 year old that question, get a yes to both, and after 6 months of dating he may realize he doesn't want either of those things with the person he's been seeing.  I think the relationship ultimately determines what's possible.  Maybe a guy who says no to both ends up changing his mind because he's experiencing a relationship he never has before and it's opened up his world to new things... Like I've said before... there are no absolutes.

The most important part of all this is something I referred to in my past post -- that of emotional accountability.  I don't want to sit here and make it seem like it's all the other person's fault and I'm just the innocent in all this with my sad little violin solo.  I know I have my baggage, my shortcomings, my ingrained behavior, my mental world in which I live, my......

Am I manifesting this destiny or am I just so intuitive that I can easily read between the lines?

I believe in honesty, but I'm as guilty as the next person for not always being honest and instead taking the easy way out.

We fear honesty because we are then held to it when we are.  Once you've come clean there is nothing more to say.  There is a reason the expression "the truth will set you free" exists, because it will, but it can also lead to more problems.  So, at the same time I understand why people need to hold back the truth

Words are simply what we use to mask what we are truly feeling inside.  We struggle to get through each day without revealing too much of our inner turmoil.  When someone asks how you're doing, you say "I'm fine", but little do they know what you're dealing with in your life.

There was always that teacher in grade school who you just hated.  He or she was mean and not very patient.  And perhaps becoming a teacher wasn't the best choice for that person... BUT, that teacher is a person and Lord knows what they go home to and struggle with everyday - we have to look beyond the surface people, behind the eyes and understand that there is more to everyone.

We are our own worst enemies and our heads are almost always in conflict with hearts... they say go with your gut... but what fun is there in that?

I really need to stop eating this cookie dough.

...and in closing

Monday, February 7, 2011


If love were a roll of Pillsbury cookie dough, I'd eat the whole thing and hopefully not get salmonella.

As you were.

Sunday, February 6, 2011


Emotional Accountability.....

I like the sound of those words together... Why?  I think it says a lot about people and how they approach dating and relationships.

From what I can tell, people in general don't want to be held accountable or their part in a failed anything... be it a chance encounter, first date, one month relationship, and so on.  The truth is the responsibility falls on both participants when it comes to whether or not two people (or more if you're into that sort of thing) works out.  I can say with all degree of certainty that my marriage did not last because of contributing factors from both husband and wife.  While the two of us continue to wrestle with the changes we've had to make in our lives by no longer being together, we rarely get into blaming each other as to why it didn't work.  We both hold ourselves accountable for what transpired.

What's my point?

Look we are all imperfect and it's safe to assume that we all mishandle a situation from time-to-time.  The key is... is the person who you feel has wronged you done so with intent or not.  Was it done because he or she is mean-spirited?  I think those things are pretty easy to determine.  I know that I continue to learn a lot about myself as I continue to date and pursue... Like I may have hinted at in other posts, I think I get ahead of myself and need to learn to let things take their course... I need to slow it down.  This is how I hold myself accountable when things don't pan out... hey, can I help it if I get excited when I meet a cool chick? :p

Additionally, I expect the same from the other person.  Spend less time blaming and making assumptions and simply ask yourself..."well, why didn't that work out?"  Granted there are guys out there who are insensitive and mean and could care less about who they hurt... same goes for girls... I know I'm not one of these people...  My intent is never to purposely hurt or be mean to somebody.  But everything plays out as it should and the world keeps turning.

Done and DONE!

Saturday, February 5, 2011


A friend sent this to me... Yes, it's about 20 minutes long, but so interesting and it reflects what I was talking about before hand.  It really expresses what I was striving to get at.  It discusses the subject of choices and relates to just about everything from the smart phone we purchase to the girl or guy we choose to date... It articulates the dilemma I was having and the ultimate disappointment I was coming up against.

The solution?  I think it's don't "try" and seek out your choices when it comes to love and relationships, let them find you and then act accordingly.  In going on a dating website or even giving yourself the task of seeking someone out will result in too many choices.  Live your life and choices will present themselves to you.

So far so good...

Thank you to the person who sent me this.... you rule.


Friday, February 4, 2011


I find the topic of gender to quite interesting.  I read recently that there are findings that when it comes to the subject of relationships that the roles have indeed begun to flip.  A new study is suggesting that men are seeking out relationships while women are inclined to retain their independence.

Now, as I've mentioned in the past, I don't think there are absolutes in life... and there is almost always an exception to the rule.  As we drive ahead through life, we are an evolving species.  Where once we were found when it came to relationships, I feel we've since become lost... but in time I believe we will find our way back home. I don't believe myself to be old fashioned... I'm reasonable.

I'm not a chauvinist and I believe in women's rights -- we are a male dominated society in one respect, but believe it to be otherwise in other respects... life is not one thing.... What I DON'T believe in?  Extremism in any way shape or form for either gender.  I believe and have talked about life being a balance... too much of anything is not a good thing and that is across the board in my opinion - these are not new ideas and I don't profess to be a new voice in this... this is my two cents.

What am I saying... cripes if I know.

Here is what I'd like to do... I want you all to read the article above, gather your thoughts on relationships and what you think the ideal dynamic is between a man and a woman.  email it to me at:

Those who are my immediate family (parents and siblings) are disqualified... 

Lastly, I would like to be able to post quotes from the responses I get but will do so anonymously... please let me know in your email if it's OK to share.

Look, this will be fun to see what happens. I may get a lot of responses, a few responses... or even no responses...  we shall see, but I like to notion of trying to interact a bit on theYOLD.

So go for it... tell me what you think about all this gender reversal in the relationship game.


Thursday, February 3, 2011


Due to crappy wireless service at my hotel, I was prevented from writing a mini masterpiece for this entry... NOW, you must suffer through this rushed, half-assed cockamamie stoof!

Here was my big thought on my drive home this morning...

As I continue to weigh in on my "complaints" about theYOLD and what my life is lacking I've come to realize some of what's preventing the forward momentum I seek in the department of relationships (sounds like some government agency).

When we're young, the world of options seems a lot smaller - combine it with an idealistic view of love and the pursuit of "the one" and we tend to really latch on to that first guy or girl that gets our juices flowing.  It's during this time we buy into the belief of destiny and "meant to be"... As you become older, wiser, and divorced, you are then thrust back out into that world of meeting and seeking... but you soon realize that there are plenty of people that can get the juices flowing and can stimulate you intellectually (and physically, of course).

I think the problem is there is too much product out there (I don't mean that in a derogatory sense towards either gender)... But, the truth is there are a lot of great men and women with lots to offer... think of it like boxes of cereal.  I mean I love me some Fruity Pebbles, but some good ol Frosty Flakes will do the trick too.  And don't forget Bran Flakes if you're into healthy options as well... they're all good, they all have their benefits.

I think part of what I'm facing is that I can meet a really cool girl, turn around, and there's another one... and another one?  Holy shit... another one...

This entry isn't intended to answer the question or to tell you what I think is right or wrong about this idea... but, I know that I really enjoy meeting people and I really enjoy meeting different types of people... and one isn't necessarily better than the other.... they're just different. So, how does one choose?  I would think women are vexed with this dilemma since they have guys throwing themselves at them from all different directions.  How do you do it?... you just have a type and go with it?  I guess that would make sense... I don't think I have a type... I really do like all sorts of women.  If you were to rundown the women I've hung out with over the course of the last year-and-a-half you'd have difficulty fitting me into any sort of "type" box.... as Sandra Bullock once proclaimed, "the profile doesn't fit the profile" -- and if indeed there were some common thread, it sure wouldn't be obvious from the outside... you'd probably have to spend time talking to each one, getting to know them and then perhaps you'd find some common thread that ties them all together.

Would be interesting to see if that were the case.

Hmmmmm, this concept is going to require more thought...