Today was a whole lot of nothing but work...
But while I continue to have your attention and I'm settled in on the couch for a few before I close the book on today, why not rain down with some of the "telling"** in your eye sockets.
**see Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome
I've spent the better part of the last 19 days keeping you up to speed on my pursuits and adding in color for effect... I hope you've been finding it interesting/entertaining to say the least. I really do hope I can keep this up for the year. It will be interesting to look back and actually track the progress, or lack of progress, in my relationship pursuits. After all the blog IS called The Year of Loving Dangerously.
I'm not sure how you look at the world during a 24 hour period but I know how I look at it... Throughout the day I weave in out of different emotions combined with highs and lows - and it's mostly business as usual. But there is a specific moment that appears within my day that I want to talk about. There is a moment when I'll be driving with the iPod playing or perhaps I'm just sitting and sipping a coffee alone at a Starbucks... but in this instance let's stick with the car scenario. So, I'm driving and I have the music playing, be it "The Finish Line" by Snow Patrol, or "For Annabelle" by Band of Horses, etc. and I look out the front window of my car - the sun sets and the sky bleeds orange. For a brief moment I am overcome with a feeling... it's quite cinematic. I feel like a character in my own movie and "The Stable Song" by Death Cab For Cutie is scoring the scene where I'm wondering what my future has in store for me.
If I had to choose the director of this moment, I would say PTA (although he would probably never use a Death Cab song). It's the point in the film where it's no longer darkest for the dawn because there is a hint of hopefulness. That any second, minute, hour, day, etc. from now could be the moment I meet her or I realize I love her... who you ask? Who knows... but it's good to know that feeling exists inside of me. The hope, the wanting, the not being satisfied alone - granted I can tolerate it and live my life (and I am definitely fulfilled by my kids)... but the lack of satisfaction I'm referring to has to do with me the individual... not me the dad.
I soak up this moment and hold onto it, because in this movie I know there has to be a happy ending - one where I meet that girl who I get to share the rest of my life with. It's embarrassing to talk about (just writing this makes me feel like a goof), but I know I can't be alone in this feeling. You all must drive around with your personal soundtracks and envision a cinematic life. It must be connected in some way to my love for movies. They were my escape and it was those films that gave me hope when I was younger that life was going to get better... and it did... so just like it worked back then, I know it will work again... won't it? I hope to look back on this time and remember when I thought all hope was lost until she came along... who is she? I already told you... I do not know.
I don't really know where I'm going with all of this. I just know that life did not pan out the way I planned. Did I want my marriage to end? Did I want my screenwriting career to end? Did I want my mom to die at such a young age? No... but life had its own plan for me. So, here I am and year and a half post marriage and moved on. I've slept with women, I've made out/fooled around with twice as many. I've had my fun. My kids have adjusted to their new life with divorced parents... all sounds peaches and gravy train... but there is something not right... something that doesn't sit well... here is what rubs me the wrong way.
When I was a kid and had to deal with my parents divorce it was clear that neither was happy with the other and had no problems letting their feelings be known - be it to me or each other. Sure, life was difficult and trying to navigate that terrain was an emotional roller coaster to say the least. But, what it also did was lay the foundation for who I would become and I knew deep down that I wanted to fall in love and stay married. I believed in the institution. Now, I look at my kids who watch their parents be civil (for the most part) -- and respectful (for the most part) and they seem nothing but OK with having divorced parents... it's almost as if they prefer it.
What scares me is that I feel it's teaching them that it's OK to have a marriage not work. Yes, on one level, of course it's OK -- I would never condone a man and woman staying together if they're miserable. But what's this have to do with the whole institution of marriage and what it stands for? I've said it many times... marriage today has become a disposable act because we know we can get out of it. Our parents were the first to take on the task on such a grand scale and it was uncharted territory. Since then it's been charted and well traveled by many. Sure, plenty of people still have messy divorces, but it's just so acceptable now it makes it OK - and it is if it's truly not working. But, I also think that it being so acceptable makes it easy for people to give up and move on without really trying to sort it out. And there are my kids, well adjusted and enjoying their new life with divorced parents. Again, it's fine and am glad we made it work where they feel comfortable with it... but it's that one thing that hangs over me that makes me wonder.... How will they approach it when their time comes? How serious will they take it?
Those vows do stand for something.
Anyway, I guess you can see what I'm getting at. I would like to think my kids will get married and make a "go" of it... one that lasts. However, I know the odds are stacked against them.
On another note, I conversed with a girl form my past. Thank you FB.... she seemed pretty shocked to see how much I've changed since Junior High, and hilarious to boot.
I'm done for today.... night night.
The Little Cat That Could
4 weeks ago