Monday, January 31, 2011

1/31/11 (2000 Page Views!!!)

Thanks to those of you who visit my blog on a regular basis... I'm proud of the fact that I'm one month in and sticking to it.  Just by giving myself the freedom to write as much or as little as I want to (just so long as I do it every day) has been incredibly fulfilling.  I especially appreciate those of you who have taken time out to email me to let me know your thoughts.  This has been an evolving project and I look forward to seeing where it all leads (in addition to the entry titled "12/31/11").


Now.....


It's time to go back... how far back?  WAY BACK... as we go a little sumthin' like this... HIT IT!!!


I'm not 100% sure as to what age I was when I had my first "crush" or rather a girl I shared a connection with.  It was either first or second grade... so we're talking 1976ish... it was Encino, CA ... the Sherman Oaks Galleria had yet to exist... these were the PTA days of the Valley - where Boogie Nights and Magnolia lived.  This is a very innocent tale mind you - one that simply shares a moment when a little boy felt a connection to a little girl... her name was Donna.  That was her real name.  I was a student at Lanai Road Elementary School and all seemed right with the world.  My parents had yet to be divorced and my social life seem to be chugging along (a far cry from the years of bullying and being picked on when I got moved out to the Malibu).  My best friend at the time was Mitchell Tobias.  What made him my best friend?  Simple, he introduced me to the band KISS.  While many may argue the artistic merit of such a group, they were my Led Zepplin, they were my Pink Floyd.  They were the group that my parents weren't listening to (although to their credit they did take me to see them in concert... a 7 year-old at a KISS concert... amazing!).  I remember Mitchell reciting the lyrics to "Deuce" as we walked around the school playground and we would go to his house and pretend we were KISS (I should stop there since KISS is worthy of its own entry).


So, there I was... in elementary school... I was small/cute, which I think girls liked (I was sort of a little brother type).  Now I can't recall if Donna was connected to both of these memories, so I will separate them... but Donna is the focus of this one.  The only other "girl" situation I recall during these years was a girl (it may have been Donna as well) who would chase me every morning on the school playground... tackle me... and then proceed to kiss me (on the cheek I believe)... as I said, not sure if that was Donna too.


Other than that, I have but one memory of Donna... but it sticks with me, which tells me it was important.  As I said, it was either 1st or 2nd grade and the classroom was your typical elementary school classroom - pictures of the Presidents on the wall - the alphabet above the chalkboard.  I distinctly remember a record player and a vinyl copy of a Brady Bunch album which had the iconic "Sunshine Day" on it -- I can even recall the album cover being a hand drawn Revolver-esque version of the Brady Kids with some psychedelia thrown in for good measure... I think.  And then there was Donna... and this is what I remember (it's going to sound silly but it stays with me).  Regardless of where we sat in the classroom, there came a point during the day where we would congregate at  a different table and we would work on a puzzle.  And that was it.  Every time we would find a piece that would fit one of us would exclaim "By George I think you've got it!" - it was a silly/fun moment that made me feel good... I believe the line is from Pygmalion... Anyway, I just remember loving this time with this girl (as innocent as it was).  I had a connection and was sharing a moment with someone outside of my family.  Sorry if it lacks in the romance department, but that memory stays with me even now.  Somewhere around that time my parents divorced and I was moved away to Malibu, which became a whole different thing.  I remember missing Donna... as I got older I would wonder whatever happened to her... not constantly mind you, but every so often the question would appear.  Who knows, maybe she wasn't real to begin with.  Maybe I had such an active imagination that I invented this person sitting next to me ... My own Tyler Durden if you will.


Time to go...

1/30/11

Please people... we can do this!!!!


So close... almost at 2000 page views in one month... That's pretty respectable if I can do it.


I call on you people... theYOLD readers who flock to read and witness the onslaught of what it is I do.


Let's... as MC Hammer would say... "Turn This Mutha Out!!!"


What can you do?  Share theYOLD... tell your friends - promise them a good time - and send them the linky-dinky-doo


I've had a shit show of a morning, so I ain't got it in me to blow your minds with tales from my underside.

Your mission is simple -- Go forth, be fruitful, and multiply my blog traffic... DO IT NOW!




Sunday, January 30, 2011

1/29/11

I knew this day would come....


Upon undertaking this task of blogging about theYOLD I knew there would come a point in time when I would have to ask myself this question.  What's the right thing to do?


Now the good news is I never made any of you a promise of what I would and wouldn't write about.  And since I don't believe in absolutes I never feel I'm locked into one idea.  Up until now I've done a lot of "warts n all' sharing, which has been awesome.  But as more and more of you read this (I will have over 2000 page views by the end of the month) I know there is a risk of the blog becoming part of my personal everyday life.  I touched on that the other day when I made out with GWNNY and she brought it up (eeek!).


So....


Here is my dilemma.  How much is too much?  Just because I can write unfiltered doesn't mean I should (see Jeff Goldblum's speech in Jurassic Park).  Granted I've been able to withhold things that I felt weren't appropriate to share out of respect to others.  A make out session with a girl is one thing, but a relationship is another.


SO...


What happens if I meet a girl I want to pursue something with?  I can't just start a relationship and then run home everyday to write on theYOLD about everything that's happening.  Especially if end up really liking someone - how would that person feel about the day-to-day documenting/musings of theYOLD?  It would be a shame to have something go so well just to throw a monkey wrench into it when they discover I YOLD about my pursuits and feelings on the very thing we're pursuing.  AND, it's not something I really want to have to share at the onset of a relationship: "by the way - you should know that I am writing about everything I do"... just doesn't seem appropriate... ya dig?  it's hard enough to get over the hurdle of being a divorcee and having kids.


SO SO SO...


What to do... what to do...


I think the purpose of theYOLD isn't suppose to be about the detailed account of my life.  I think it's suppose to be about my evolution under the pursuit of the thing that I would like to have back in my life.  I don't think it's about me contemplating my feelings for a girl in public.  It would be lame for a girl I'm seriously dating to discover blog entries where I'm debating my feelings.  While it may be entertaining/interesting/fascinating for you, I would hate to put the very thing I want at risk for the sake of you MoFos...


Now don't start reading into this and thinking that I'm suddenly in a relationship.  But as I begin to meet women who I'm not FB friends with and would have no other way of knowing about theYOLD, I begin to ponder the question of what is and isn't OK... It's not like this is some private journal.  I'm pulling a straight up Carrie Bradshaw (ugh, how bad is it that I know her name).


I like the fact that I've been using this to not only account some of my daily pursuits but to also recount past ones and perhaps I will begin to focus on that.... going all the way back to the beginning  -- my first recollection of having feelings for the opposite sex... I believe I can go all the way back to the first or second grade.  I know I won't remember all of them, but I've got stories (some funny, some sad, some business as usual).  I think it's important to know where you've been in order to know where you're going.


Sooooooooooo - in closing...


I think I'm going to shift gears in that I'm not going to give daily updates as to what I'm doing... I think I will focus more on the personal evolution I'm presently going through and weaving it in with the past experiences I've had.


With that... I will share this current tidbit before signing off.  Here is my current dilemma and something I am wrestling with.  While I've written on about longing for something, I can see myself hesitant to give up something as well.... my new found freedom.... or is that perhaps I'm afraid to pull the trigger with a girl because I'm scared that I will be missing out on something with someone else.  


But here is what I say to that.... maybe THAT'S why relationships CAN and DO last weeks, months, years, and then fall apart.  You are allowed to end a relationship if you're not getting everything you want.  This of course doesn't apply to sex... if you just want to have sex with multiple women you can do that without being in a committed relationship... BUT, I guess it's possible to be in something and then find something else you like better.  It's also possible to screw up, but resolve matters.  I have to say that watching the evolution of Ronnie and Sammy Sweethearts relationship on The Jersey Shore has been quite perplexing... until last week's episode.  For all the making out Ronnie did in Miami when they were going through tough times, I truly believe he did/does love her.  I can't begin to tell you how successful of an episode that was last week.  Between Sammy coming to terms with her "issues" and trying to grow and Ronnie's raw display of emotion, I was riveted and the show truly stepped out of being about Jersey stereotypes and being about human beings.


Of course, the cast of the JS aren't without their faults... I mean Snookie is just falling off the tracks.


Wow, I'm all over the place today.  What was my point before going off on the JS?  I think I guess I'm just going back to what I said the other day about not owing anyone anything.  We as men and women are allowed to change our minds, we are allowed to make mistakes, and we are allowed to forgive if we choose to do so.  We all thought Sammy was crazy for taking Ronnie's BS when it came to the messing around... and while I don't think it's OK to smooch other women while you're in a committed relationship, I don't think he was doing it for the sake of doing it... I think he was wrestling with the issues they were having and acting out as such (it just so happens there were cameras on him).  Sammy willingness to take him back was her understanding of that.  While she has every right to be pissed and not tolerate it, she understands that "the whole is greater than the sum of its parts"... I always get nervous when I try to get deep like that.


Time to get moving... but I look forward to seeing what entries are to come... and I promise to do my best to give you the full tilt experience.


- Heartless

Saturday, January 29, 2011

1/28/11

SOOooooooo, went for another afternoon walk and talk with Sandra and it was cool....aaaaaaaaand we will be meeting up on Saturday for some food and a movie.  I think I'll just leave it at that for now.


It will be interesting to see what develops Saturday night.


On another note, I think I'm starting to witness some of the downsides of writing this blog... at least as far as women who read this and who I've hung out with (I'm talking to you GWNNY - Girl With No Name Yet).  Contrary to what you may think, I do not have a "list" of ladies in waiting.


And what's all this business of being geographically undesirable?  It's the second time I've heard such a thing.  WTF is that about?  This is Los Angeles... EVERYTHING is geographically undesirable... UGH!


Alright - super short one today... more to report another day.  I'm sleepy.

Friday, January 28, 2011

1/27/11

I was going to get into a nice long meditative post last night, but got caught up in more important things.... texting with Cath... isn't that just like a typical guy?


For so long I thought I was alone in my "guy behavior", but in truth I think we are all variations of the same thing.  I know I'm not alone in pursuing the unlikely girl who is most likely not interested in anything more than friendship.  When friends tell you it's a waste of time... of course I'm not going to give up.  The key difference is always keeping your options open... and that's what I do...I also don't lose sight of the reality of the situation.  I'm hopeful yet realistic.


It use to be, in my youth, I would get preoccupied with one girl... now, as I've grown and matured, I can be interested in many, and... I am (there's Sandra, Girl With No Name Yet, etc.)  I've said it before, I believe that there is more than one girl or guy out there for someone - there are many to chose from and I'm going to enjoy getting to know each and every one of them... or as many as possible until I'm ready to pull the trigger with one and do the bf/gf thing.


I no longer think that showing interest is somehow making a promise to someone... and if you opt out then it shouldn't be taken personally.  We're all trying to find the right mix.  It's like being at a dance.  You dance with a girl and either keep going or move on to the next one.  However, in this case, "dancing" can be everything from hanging out, making out, to (whistles long and loud).


I am just at much at risk as you are when it comes to being let down by someone so it's a fair trade as far as I'm concerned.  So, let's enjoy getting to know one another, let's see if there is physical chemistry, and let's agree that if either party isn't fulfilled by the other than we'll move on and chalk it up to experience.  I won't take it personal and neither should you... DEAL?!  DEAL!!!




Thursday, January 27, 2011

1/26/11

I had a super-duper late night with work, so I couldn't get my usual time in to lay it down for yous guys... but I can afford a little time and effort. You can expect a bigger entry on the next one

My Weds:

Up at 6am...
...get the kids ready and out the door to school by 7:40am and 8am... 
...run to the office for a 9am conference call...
..stare at a computer all day -- too much to do!...
...need fresh air!
3pm coffee with Sandra (quick walk & talk)... 
...potential movie night in the works.
FB chat with new girl  who I met over the holidays (still thinking of a name for her)... ...joined me for a double feature... 
pint of Guinness and chill for a few w/ Doug Benson...
...meet girl...
"Wild At Heart"... Bananas!!!
Hang briefly with Laura Dern and David Lynch -- HOLY SHIT!
"True Romance" while sipping Bourbon & Cherry Coke w/ Popcorn (this can't be healthy)... but sure is fun!...
Surprise make-out sess at 1am... oh, shit - she reads my blog... translations, she's probably reading this ;)... need to consider blogging/dating ramifications...


goodnight!

As my UK gals would say... sniff!

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

1/25/11

Here I sit...


I know I took the easy out yesterday with the song... but I do love that song - it sort of calls back to the post where I spoke about that cinematic feeling that washes over me sometimes.


I've got to tell ya that I'm pretty exhausted this week, but I am determined not to miss a day.  So, it may be brief but here it goes.


I was driving home the other night and it was really late... in fact I believe that Band of Horses song was playing.  And for some reason every so often there is a certain moment when I begin to think about Mindy.  It's usually once my night is done and I'm driving home alone, knowing that I'm about to return to an empty bed.  That took some time to get used to, but now I do sleep rather well by myself - however, nothing beats laying next to a warm body.


As I moved down Beverly Blvd towards my home I began to think about her and the nights we would spend together the brief period we dated (on and off).  I really mishandled that whole situation (we both did).  It wasn't entirely my fault it didn't work... I did the best I could with what I had at the time. It was just bad timing... BUT, I did like sleeping in that bed and all that came with it (including a really shitty shower - seriously, someone should sue whomever manufactured that shower head)... but it wasn't just about sex with Mindy...  In fact, about 3 or 4 months ago we met for a drink to catch up, ended up back at her place, and it  just seemed like a given that I would spend the night (at least that was how she presented it).  I really had no other interest other than sleeping in a bed with someone whom I was comfortable with.  Granted, it was a little awkward in that Mindy was still nursing her wounds from her recent break-up with a guy she really loved.  But I was fine with it.  I really just wanted some company and she was willing to be that person... I think it was a little bit of the same for her.


I laid there next to her and we were rather silent.  When all is said and done (including my comments about her "issues"), Mindy has a good soul and there is a part of her that's very loving -- I know she wants to be someone's wife and be a mother - I think she'd be great at both.  I know this about her and I can feel how badly she wants it.  So we laid there quietly, slightly drunk and enjoying her head nuzzled into my chest - my eyes closed and I was just minutes, maybe even seconds, away from falling asleep.  I could feel her sadness.  I could feel her questioning whether or not it was a good idea to let me stay the night. She didn't need to worry... I wasn't interested in trying anything and I wasn't getting the wrong idea by being extended the invitation.  We were simply two lonely people just getting through a night together.  And before I fell asleep, I simply told her I was sorry about her heart being broken.  I felt the quick fluttering brush of her eyelash on my skin.  I told her she deserved all the love she wanted and that I knew she would one day get it.  I kept my eyes closed as I allowed myself to drift away, but not before I could feel my skin start to get slightly damp.  The light sniffle coming from Mindy told me what I could already sense.


I wasn't proud of the fact that I made her cry, but I meant what I said and I wanted her to know that someone else in the world believed love was possible for her even if in that moment she had her doubts.


So, minus or minor interactions, that was really the last time I was with Mindy in any sort of real way.  The reason?  Only she could tell you.  You've read my postings about her, so you know what I've contended with.


On some other notes, I kept the dialogue going with Sandra at the office and we even took a walk outside in the afternoon.  It was cool to have someone to hang out with at work like that.  It's important in order to maintain some sanity.  I'm serious, I could stare at that computer all day and never go outside.  Sandra is nice and I look forward to hanging out with her again.   I did learn some good stuff though about where she's coming from.  I'm too tired to get into it, but I'm sure in time I'll share.


Cath and I are continuing are textship.  I've pretty much written that whole situation off, but being able to text her and carry on a conversation is a good back-up plan to have as far as just having someone to distract me while I'm waiting on something else to pop.  Does that make sense?


Ugh, I'm yawning and about to go to sleep.


good night everybody....

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

1/24/11

This is all for today...




 Infinite Arms by Band Of Horses

I had a dream
I had a dream
That I was your neighbor
About to give birth
And then everything
Was really hurt
And I was so lonely
I didn't see It's like
Living in a movie
Twisting the plot
My friends and family
The little things I've got, I've got

When my thoughts drift to you

I love the morning
I like to listen
To 4am birdies
Begging to feed
Now there's something here before me
A figure, I think
Isn't there a warning
Or something to drink
My god, my god

When my thoughts drift to you

These mended bones
The storms approach
Ever so slowly
Out on the sea
There's an animal below me
Lack of control
Others came before me
Others to come, to come

When my thoughts drift to you

Monday, January 24, 2011

1/23/11

FAWKING HELL!  Why did I put myself in this position?  OK, I am going to write about something I really don't want to, but if I don't then I'm being a hypocrite.  This blog is about ME telling YOU about my journey... my year... my year of fawking loving dangerously.  It's not that this is some major revelation - or will shock you.  I guess it's just slightly embarrassing.

I'm back on OKc -- for those of you who don't know... OKc stands for OK Cupid... a dating website... a free dating website.

Now over the last year I toyed with the idea.  I dipped a toe in the water on JDate and that was a big "no thank you" (You know there is need for concerned when the girl is wearing a wedding dress in her profile pic - slow down Yentl, we haven't even met yet) -- from there I slowly checked out others, but again I just kept getting the "where is that husband o mine?" vibe.... knowhutimsayin?!  So a friend of mine told me about OKc back in October... I went on -- seemed pretty easy to manage.  While there will always be the contingency of "still looking for 'the one' and I hope it's you" folks, there also seemed to be a balance of people who are just trying to figure it all out.  A pay site is a commitment unto itself so I think it lends itself to those who are predisposed to locking "the one" down - they're ready, willing, and heavily financed for the mission.  OKc seems about as close to the real world scenario in that you're getting them in all shapes and sizes... that's my take.

So back in Oct I started the OKc adventure and by December I was done... that is until now.

My first go round ran the gambit and I experienced about every type of experience from the "let's fall in love after one date", to the "let's meet for coffee", which became the "your definitely not my type" (meaning me, not her).  I made a friend who I still IM with but have yet to ever meet in person (which is fine - we're like online friends).  I met a girl who I seemed to click with and then met in person and am pretty sure she was crazy (she told me she had once been homeless).  I even made sexy time with a woman who went from "I don't want anything serious" to well... it felt like she was flipping the script as they say in hip hop...  I was lucky in that case in that I didn't have to really deal with it.  I had taken a day or so to take in what had transpired and I guess she just wrote me off because I found I was no longer FB friends or on BBM with her.. phew!

You get the idea... now remember, I'm somewhat new to this, and was definitely new to the online world.  I think first go round I was more concerned with finding out whether or not I could do it... I was in essence "selling" myself to get dates.  I was charming, funny, etc etc etc... but in the end whether I simply made out with a girl or actually sealed the deal, I never felt good about it - it didn't feel organic... it was almost more by design.  Sure, I was nice, respectful, decent, but still a part of me was being dishonest (not intentionally mind you - this is in retrospect)... I was selling the promise of what a great guy I was and was pretty successful and getting women to be interested (this even spilled over into my everyday life once I had discontinued OKc).  This is what led to theYOLD.  I am starting anew this year, which is why I'm also back on OKc.  I have a new perspective on my approach to dating.

It's hard to put into words, but put it this way, I'm going to be doing my best to no longer "sell" myself.  I am just going to be me and move very slowly.  I am not going to date for the sake of dating (I'd rather sit home and write).  I'm not going to "try" and hook-up... I am not going to "try" and have sex (now, if something happens "in the moment" - so be it, as long as both parties are on the same page... I had the good fortune of having that happen last summer ;) ooohweeee that was fun).

This is all an imperfect science and I am doing my best to discover who it is I am when it comes to the subject of love and relationships.  The important thing is I now know I am capable of having a relationship... now I just need to find someone who I want to have one with and who wants to have one with me and then see where it all leads.

I got a text today from Cath - and I did not initiate (pat self on back)... doesn't mean anything, but I now know I cannot chase her.  And I am not going to ask her for plans at this point.  She knows I want to get together (after all, we had plans that she had to flake on)... so, at this point, let her come to me.

I've started to chat with a few girls on OKc and I'm approaching it with my newfound dating eyes... keep you posted.

And lastly, tomorrow is Monday, and will probably see Sandra... As I said before, if there is an opportunity to initiate a "hey, let's grab lunch" then I'll do it and see what she's about.

There, you happy?  Now, you know... xoxoxo ya'll

Sunday, January 23, 2011

1/22/11

I'm going to pump the brakes for a second here.  I was on the phone with someone close to me and we were talking about theYOLD... just in case there are those of you out there who are close and/or related to me and are possibly "concerned"... don't be.

Yes, I am exploring a different side of myself with this - one that I have yet to in writing.  It's easy to be funny and dismiss ideas with a joke.  While there are hopefully hints of humor in these entries, I am taking an honest stab at... well... being honest.  If you sense anger - sometimes I'm angry.  If you sense sadness - yes, sometimes I'm sad.  I'm pretty sure I even had an entry last week about what a great day I was having in light of being flaked on.  Yes, even happiness is possible.  What's my point?  None of this is to be construed as who I am 24/7.  I've got a life and one that I'm busy living.  So don't fret - don't be alarmed - I am merely trying to evolve... and evolution ain't easy, baby.


I am restructuring my DNA (both emotionally and creatively). I'm trying to approach things with a new perspective.  Part of that is being able to share the highs and lows of the experience - to share the insecurities we feel as men... to share the yearning that single men and women must feel (yes, even the ones who love their single life).  It's easy for me to be funny (or what I think is funny), but this is hard... and I'm enjoying the challenge of writing this blog every day.

btw - I appreciate those of you who messaged me off my previous entry.  I found the words insightful and helpful.  I even got some perspective on what was going on with Cath.  Perspective is always a good thing.  With that said it's been a great day... took the kids out, cooked them an awesome dinner, had fun chatting with some ladies on the bberry and God damn, Road House was on Directv in HD!!!!  See?  Not to worry.  I am doing just fine.


I look forward to my next entry - time to close the book on today and put this bitch to bed...

Saturday, January 22, 2011

1/21/11

I wish people would leave comments (with exception of people I'm related to) because I am interested in knowing what other peoples opinions are on what I write about.


Like, when I ramble on about Cath I want to know if I sound like a sane person or a guy who needs to chill the fuck out and get over his OCD!


With that said, perhaps some of you will provide such commentary on this.  I don't get this whole Cath business. The girl definitely prefers the texting - she herself has said so.  And as I said yesterday, I am holding off initiating another convo (at least for this weekend).  Last texting convo was Tuesday (which I initiated - as I have always done)... we clearly have fun exchanges - I seem to make her laugh.  We talk about stuff.  I don't overly text her (every other day or so up until now)... but... why doesn't she initiate a text convo... is it somehow tied in to her recent break up?  In her eyes is it OK for me to text her, but she doesn't feel comfortable initiating.  I don't know.  I guess I'll just see what happens.


I don't get you ladies.


WIth that, I will add this.  I struck up a convo today at the office with a nice girl (let's call her Sandra).  I have seen her around over the months and just decided to start chatting with her.  She's seems cool.  I think I'll see if she wants to grab lunch one day... keep it casual.


It's important to continue to keep options open - it helps from focusing too much on one person (ie CATH!) -- So, that's it -- keeping it brief tonight.


Until tomorrow.  Thank you for reading!

Friday, January 21, 2011

1/20/11

Keeping it quick today ... yesterday was a doozy of a post.

The idea of meeting someone is starting to feel foreign to me.  Not quite sure if that's the best description, but I'll try to elaborate briefly.

Now when I see a couple out and enjoying their evening together I can't quite understand it.  I see them holding hands, or just enjoying each others company.  It's nice to see, but I've lost sight of what makes something like that possible.

It also seems like a lot of the girls I meet have boyfriends.  And NO, I don't think they're just telling me that to throw the "I'm not interested" wall up at me.  I think it's that I'm genuinely attracted to "keepers" - the ones you'd take home to mama.  That's my problem with Cath... she's got "keeper" potential... and in some ways I lucked out that she is potentially avail... one day... she's a tricky proposition... I know I've said it numerous times.  It would seem that every text conversation, while fun and entertaining (and very mildly flirtatious), is initiated by me... I think it might be time to step back and see if she can initiate.  There really isn't a reason for her not to... our last exchange was Tuesday night... I have not texted her since (with the exception of an "accidental" butt text that sent a blank text -- I don't even know if a blank text goes through).

From this point forward I am going to continue to NOT initiate a texting convo with Cath.  Let's see if she reaches out at some point over the weekend shall we?**

**Please, Jesus, grant me the strength to not text and I will forever be your humble servant.***

*** Shhhh, don't tell him I'm Jewish.

Anyway, my point about not understanding how couples happen is quite a complicated emotion to try and explain.  But all I can say is I see people out and about and being in relationships and I don't get it anymore.  I have memories of being this way and I have moments where the sensation of that experience sort of washes over me before quickly high-tailing it out of here.  Yes, YOLD fans, my life has indeed become a Barry Manilow song: "I've been up, down, trying to get the feeling again - all around - trying to get the feeling again..."  FUCK IT!!! Let him tell you...


Thursday, January 20, 2011

1/19/11

Today was a whole lot of nothing but work...


But while I continue to have your attention and I'm settled in on the couch for a few before I close the book on today, why not rain down with some of the "telling"** in your eye sockets.


**see Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome


I've spent the better part of the last 19 days keeping you up to speed on my pursuits and adding in color for effect... I hope you've been finding it interesting/entertaining to say the least.  I really do hope I can keep this up for the year.  It will be interesting to look back and actually track the progress, or lack of progress, in my relationship pursuits.  After all the blog IS called The Year of Loving Dangerously.


I'm not sure how you look at the world during a 24 hour period but I know how I look at it... Throughout the day I weave in out of different emotions combined with highs and lows - and it's mostly business as usual.  But there is a specific moment that appears within my day that I want to talk about.  There is a moment when I'll be driving with the iPod  playing or perhaps I'm just sitting and sipping a coffee alone at a Starbucks... but in this instance let's stick with the car scenario.  So, I'm driving and I have the music playing, be it "The Finish Line" by Snow Patrol, or "For Annabelle" by Band of Horses, etc. and I look out the front window of my car - the sun sets and the sky bleeds orange.  For a brief moment I am overcome with a feeling... it's quite cinematic.  I feel like a character in my own movie and "The Stable Song" by Death Cab For Cutie is scoring the scene where I'm wondering what my future has in store for me.  


If I had to choose the director of this moment, I would say PTA (although he would probably never use a Death Cab song).  It's the point in the film where it's no longer darkest for the dawn because there is a hint of hopefulness.  That any second, minute, hour, day, etc. from now could be the moment I meet her or I realize I love her... who you ask?  Who knows... but it's good to know that feeling exists inside of me.  The hope, the wanting, the not being satisfied alone - granted I can tolerate it and live my life (and I am definitely fulfilled by my kids)... but the lack of satisfaction I'm referring to has to do with me the individual... not me the dad.


I soak up this moment and hold onto it, because in this movie I know there has to be a happy ending - one where I meet that girl who I get to share the rest of my life with.  It's embarrassing to talk about (just writing this makes me feel like a goof), but I know I can't be alone in this feeling.  You all must drive around with your personal soundtracks and envision a cinematic life.  It must be connected in some way to my love for movies.  They were my escape and it was those films that gave me hope when I was younger that life was going to get better... and it did... so just like it worked back then, I know it will work again... won't it?  I hope to look back on this time and remember when I thought all hope was lost until she came along... who is she?  I already told you... I do not know.


I don't really know where I'm going with all of this.  I just know that life did not pan out the way I planned.  Did I want my marriage to end?  Did I want my screenwriting career to end?  Did I want my mom to die at such a young age?  No... but life had its own plan for me.  So, here I am and year and a half post marriage and moved on.  I've slept with women, I've made out/fooled around with twice as many.  I've had my fun.  My kids have adjusted to their new life with divorced parents... all sounds peaches and gravy train... but there is something not right... something that doesn't sit well... here is what rubs me the wrong way.


When I was a kid and had to deal with my parents divorce it was clear that neither was happy with the other and had no problems letting their feelings be known - be it to me or each other.  Sure, life was difficult and trying to navigate that terrain was an emotional roller coaster to say the least.  But, what it also did was lay the foundation for who I would become and I knew deep down that I wanted to fall in love and stay married.  I believed in the institution.  Now, I look at my kids who watch their parents be civil (for the most part) -- and respectful (for the most part) and they seem nothing but OK with having divorced parents... it's almost as if they prefer it.


What scares me is that I feel it's teaching them that it's OK to have a marriage not work.  Yes, on one level, of course it's OK -- I would never condone a man and woman staying together if they're miserable.  But what's this have to do with the whole institution of marriage and what it stands for?  I've said it many times... marriage today has become a disposable act because we know we can get out of it.  Our parents were the first to take on the task on such a grand scale and it was uncharted territory.  Since then it's been charted and well traveled by many.  Sure, plenty of people still have messy divorces, but it's just so acceptable now it makes it OK - and it is if it's truly not working.  But, I also think that it being so acceptable makes it easy for people to give up and move on without really trying to sort it out.  And there are my kids, well adjusted and enjoying their new life with divorced parents.  Again, it's fine and am glad we made it work where they feel comfortable with it... but it's that one thing that hangs over me that makes me wonder.... How will they approach it when their time comes?  How serious will they take it?


Those vows do stand for something.


Anyway, I guess you can see what I'm getting at.  I would like to think my kids will get married and make a "go" of it... one that lasts.  However, I know the odds are stacked against them.


On another note, I conversed with a girl form my past.  Thank you FB.... she seemed pretty shocked to see how much I've changed since Junior High, and hilarious to boot.


I'm done for today.... night night.

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

1/18/11

Slowly but surely I feel I'm messing things up with Cath.... maybe not - maybe I'm just paranoid.  We continue to do our text messaging dance.  She seems to find me very funny, which is always a good thing in my book.

I feel like humor goes a long way.

But still...

I can sense that weight she's got on her shoulders.  The weight of the old relationship - the one she hasn't let go of (and who knows if she will). 

I keep imagining that moment where she tells me she's not ready for something (that is, of course, if I should actually manage to have things progress).  I feel like she's pondering the question of whether or not she would go back to that relationship... and she may.  During one of our texting exchanges I mentioned that while "love" is "love", there is good love and bad love.  It's for her to determine if what she had was healthy or not.  It certainly isn't my place to make that assessment. I can most certainly see why someone would enter back into a relationship even if it wasn't a healthy dynamic.  It all comes down to how we're built and what feeds us.

All I can say is this... I know I'm not perfect... I have my issues (LORD KNOWS I HAVE MY ISSUES)... but based on what I've heard thus far (which isn't my business to share) I think I can offer Cath something more than what she had.  Granted that's based on really not knowing the full picture of what transpired in her last relationship and not really "knowing" her yet.  Christ!  I haven't even gone out with her.  This is purely based on a texting relationship... how silly is that?

This is soooo far from anything, I must sound like an idiot.  It's fun to think about though.  It so hard to meet someone you think is cool and that's the vibe I get, so I guess it starts making you think of what's possible... that's being hopeful I guess... and we can always use a bit of that in our lives.

Monday, January 17, 2011

1/17/11

A POEM ENTITLED "18 REASONS"
SELFISH, RUDE, STUBBORN, DISHONEST, ANNOYING, SPOILED X 3 = 18 REASONS!!!
FUCK HER!!!!!!!!

1/16/11

It's time to take a pause... just a moment for me.

I guess that sounds a bit silly since this whole blog is basically about me.  I guess I'm referring to actually taking a moment to be serious.  I've been reporting on my pursuits and what not and am sort of having a moment.

Not a funny moment, but more of a serious one.  I know I've spoken about Cath and my interests and concerns.  More specifically about the fact that she's recently broken up and whether or not I'm even in a position to get anywhere with her.  The reality is while we've had fun exchanges she has yet to want to hang out in person (minus the late night invite and the cancelled meet ups).  I guess want isn't the right word.  The point is, there appears to be no rush... which is fine.

What's this mean?  Well, I've been giving this some thought tonight.  I know I spoke about the great day yesterday with the beautiful weather and all.  I didn't let the cancelation of the meet up affect me all too much.  But tonight... tonight I'm sad.  I'm lonely... I need someone... Sadly, for me, it can't just be anyone (I've tried that and don't like it)... I wish I knew what I wanted because I'm quickly realizing my current criteria is probably not the best foot forward.

Now, I'm still game to give Cath a chance when the time is right... should it ever decide to be right.  But what I'm noticing is my pattern.  The women I'm choosing to pursue.  There is a common thread they all share to some degree... and I'm taking this all the way back to Mindy - the first girl I actually sorta kinda dated post marriage.  Be it Mindy, Cath, or the ones in between who I was "into".  Yours truly seems to go for the ones that are... you ready?  Emotionally unavailable.  

I'll expand on this.

Well, let's take Mindy.  Things started out great.  Solid first date (and to her credit she wasn't even prepped by the person who set us up that I was recently separated and had kids, so kudos for her for even trying to inch ahead) -- But when she got concerned about how "ready" I was to be in another relationship she then took a step back and became somewhat emotionally unavailable - she didn't bail on me altogether, but there is a reason we were on and off for three months.  And clearly I was drawn even more to her the more unavailable she became.  Why?  I wanted to be the one to tear down that wall (perhaps it made it all the more romantic for me).  I wanted to be the exception to her rule(s).  Maybe it makes it special to choose the emotionally unavailable one, because then if she were to open up emotionally for me that would make me special to her... I think that actually kind of makes sense.

And if I look the at the other women I've pursued (mind you this doesn't count random hook ups) I can see the same pattern.  There was a girl, we'll call Florence, and she's a gorgeous older woman with a grown kid.  She's super sweet and just like the others - fun conversation... got on well - enjoyed each others company (the one time we really hung out)... so what was the problem?  Florence isn't into dating.  Now, I have no idea what that means -- I think it has something to do with the fact that she's in her early 40s and has gotten accustomed to looking after herself.  Her companionship comes from the men she surrounds herself with (pretty much all Gay men btw)... I don't say that as a negative - it's just her reality.  I, of course, felt myself more and more drawn to want to hang out with her.  Again, in the end I may have discovered I didn't like her, but I couldn't get further than hanging out once before she just backed the eff up... Common thread?  Emotionally unavailable.  BUT, if she were to be into me, that would make it all the more special, right?


Maybe I'm too intense... I need to relax... I think.  IDK!

Who else?  Oh yeah, another one.  Same deal.  Let's call her Bonnie.  She's a cutie and we seemed to enjoy hanging out.  Three-peat of the first two.

Now look, the bottom line is I may not be their taste which is also a contributing factor to all this (just like when I go out with someone and decide the person isn't for me) - I don't just want to put the blame on them by saying they're emotionally unavailable... perhaps they are just emotionally unavailable to me.  As Mindy proved she was able to go on and really fall for a guy (who of course broke her heart).

And now here we are with Cath - I must be fucking nuts to think this girl is ready for something.  I think I just need to back up a beat, let her breath, and then see what comes... if anything...  the ball is rolling (no need to kick it any further)... just let it roll.

The girls that I find to be into me are cool, good girls, but for whatever reason I haven't been enthralled enough to take things further.  While at the same time I meet girls who I really dig and they're (I don't want to say unattainable) more difficult to progress with.  It really must have something to do with the idea that if they're not open to something, but then I change that - it makes it more special that they changed that for me (I don't want to be just anyone or a "this guy will do") -- something they weren't able to give to anyone else... that's the girl I want.  The one who isn't open to a relationship, who perhaps doesn't believe in love, etc., but then I come along and change that... it's all very cinematic ain't it?

Great, so now I've shared that sad revelation - or interesting to say the very least.  None of it changes the fact that I'm sitting on my couch writing this rather than falling in love (or being in love).  It's not that I'm desperate, but I would like to find some happiness -- something consistent, something I can rely on... something beautiful.

So, to Mindy, Florence, Bonnie, and Cath - I bid you all a good night.  You're all beautiful women and deserve to be happy... I'm pretty sure you already know I'm not the one who can give you that... well, except for Cath.  That ship hasn't sailed yet -- We're still preparing to cast off.

Sunday, January 16, 2011

1/15/11

Ooooooooh!  It pains me to have to say it.... to admit it, to utter the words -- Yours truly was flaked on.  NOOOOOoooooooooo!   Yes, it's true.  The day I was looking forward to came and went without my meet up with Cath.


Now mind you, I am coming off of a middle of the night text inviting to come hang out, so it's not a complete debacle... granted I'm sure she was slightly intoxicated, but still she did reached out and invited spur of the moment...


So what happened?  Well, to hear her tell it, her friend is at her place and is under the weather, so she's looking after her.  Is it true?  Who the fuck cares.  For all I know, she just decided that she'd rather hang with her friends today.  So be it.  It's not like I haven't pulled that maneuver before.  Let her do her thing.  I've got plenty I can do, even if it's sitting outside, sipping an iced coffee on an amazingly gorgeous day and writing on the computer thingy.


I will live to fight another day.  As I've said in the past, I'm learning not to take things personally... And in this case, there isn't anything to take personally.  I mean, I'm in the very early stages of getting to know someone. She doesn't owe me a thing and it would be to my disadvantage to be anything but understanding - be it for a sick friend or otherwise.  Now, obviously if we were involved in some way and suddenly started to get flaked on... well, then that would be more suspecter gadget.


And when she texted me about the flake-age on the day, I simply told her "no worries" and that I hoped her friend feels better -- nice and simple... doesn't make her feel bad and doesn't make me look desperate.  Of course, I'd be lying if I didn't say I was looking forward to hanging with her in person (since it has yet to happen), and was mildly bummed when she pulled the change-up... but I always had that possibility in the back of my head, so I was not shocked or anything when she did ultimately cancel.  Again, expectations and the managing of.  It really makes living life soooooo much easier.


I know we'll talk again, in fact we had an amusing texting exchange later in the evening (she was at some b-day thingy and I was at a client thingy).  Things will progress as they are meant to.  And seriously, nothing was going to bring be down today - it's was just too nice of a day outside.  I went and got my car washed, did a little cleaning around the house, made myself some lunch and enjoyed the fresh air.  My evening was equally awesome as well.  


So, indeed, nothing to complain about, folks.

Saturday, January 15, 2011

1/14/10

We all know what tomorrow is so I'm not going to labor on too much.  I expect the next entry to be a long disasterpiece.

However, I will say so much for my texting plan of attack with Cath.  Damn she's fun to correspond with - too fun (she's a funny girl!) -- I like that.  She makes it too easy for me to respond and get caught up in a brief exchange.  Not a bad problem too have.**

It does feel like a flirtatious dance is occurring, but I can't help but continue to be concerned about where her head's at post break-up.  I'm not going to think about it too much more because one thing I've learned is that if you get too caught up on something then you can actually manifest it into a reality.  I will not volunteer any thoughts to of "I don't think you're over it" or "you're not ready for another relationship", etc.  If I do, then that's exactly what will happen.

Rather, I will enjoy the process of continuing to get to know her and see what happens.

It's nice when you can get excited about someone.  Wish me luck YOLD readers.  I look forward to reporting back.


** UPDATE - Got a text from Cath at 2:15 AM (I was sleeping, and she accused me of exactly that)... then she said she was having some people over!  Did I just get invited over at 2:15 AM?  Holy Shit!  Nice... too bad I was already down for the count.  Note to self:  turn on the alert noise on my bberry so it wakes me up when I get a text... oh well... nice to be thought of in the early early AM ;)

Thursday, January 13, 2011

1/13/11

And he keeps going and going and going....

Man, I am sticking with this mofo -- It's my year and I'm loving it.... dangerously :\

So, what's there to report?  Oh so much!

As I mentioned, I had my moments of email weakness yesterday and sent some heatseeking email missiles into the internets... and what did I get?  Responses.

I already mentioned that Cath responded (as I expected her to) -- of course, I gave her some short fun answer in our exchange and left it at that...  Saturday, here we COME!!!

Now, for Mindy - How many out there think she responded?  Show of hands.  OK looks like a lot of you are pretty sure she did.  How many don't think she responded?  Hmmmm, not many... well, those of you who think she did can give themselves a nice pat on the back because ding ding ding.... I gots me an email... and was it a dooozy.

I am going to be honest.  The situation with Mindy is not black & white - there are shades of grey and levels and what not.  But she did respond and it felt "heavy" -- there were comments of me feeling hurt and her not liking to be made to feel bad -- I don't know.  It suddenly felt like we having a lover's quarrel again.  She referenced that this was just a rehash of what we've talked about in the past.

I really don't want to fault her on her opinion, but as I said in my response -- I appreciate her taking the time to share all her thoughts but it's making this all more serious than it is.  I said, I was happy to get on the phone and explain my point, but that I wasn't going continue sharing ideas and opinions via email because it leaves too much open for interpretation (or rather misinterpretation).  I left it at that.  I don't want to feel like I'm being misinterpreted.

I will share this though.  Her big position was that she just doesn't respond to every text or call (that's who she is) -- If she were dating someone yes, otherwise it's up to her if she wants to respond or not... FUCK THAT!!!

Look, even if it's just an "lo-fucking-l" or a "haha" most everyone responds (especially if you're trying to share a funny story with someone).  Even if you don't respond for a few days, you still eventually respond.  No response sends a message - I don't care who you are.  There is no trying to explain yourself out of it.  If that's who she is then that's a whacked way to deal with people.  Who wants that?!  And then say in the same breath that she was excited to run into me at a party but I was weird to her.  I was weird because she didn't fucking respond to me in the month prior.

And what does she say to my "I can't win" comment.  It not's about winning.

NO SHIT!  It's a figure of speech... I knew I should have gone with "I'm damned if I do..." - mental note for next time.

I'm glad I kept my response brief - I'll be surprised if she responds or calls... but hey, I didn't think I was going to get a response on this one.

In other YOLD news - I met this girl (we'll call her Darla) -- cute girl!  That's all there is to say right now.  I'm actually dealing with Darla on something business related so need to be patient.  But, she seemed cool!

Take care!

1/12/11

UGH!!!


I'm so stoooopid -- typical guy bullshit... I swear.


We do really dumb things don't we?  Especially when it comes to women.  I mean, take a girl who is completely wrong for us, throw in something about her that still draws you to her and what you got is a whole mess.


Two dumb moves took place - well, actually, not dumb... just more of "what was the point of that?"  I mean, I know what the point was... but it - well.... FAWK -- I don't know.  I hate technology.


OK, real quick:


First, I decide to email Mindy - DON'T ASK ME WHY!  I have my made up reasons of why it was viable to do so.  I simply decided to expand on my why I don't think I can win comment to her.  So I did.  I think I expressed myself pretty well and made sure not to make it whiny and what not.  It was matter of fact and honest.  I told her that a no response on a text or a call made me feel stupid or rather like a loser, so as a defense mechanism I send a half joking follow up to try and save face...pretty simple really... and like I said - honest.  I don't think that can be interpreted as aggressive, but I'm not her.  Anyways - that's the short version.  I doubt I will hear from her (which is fine - I expressed my thoughts which was all I wanted)


Dumb move #2 wont be a big deal as long as I can be good today and tomorrow and not text Cath until our Saturday plans.  Last night I was at a very cool little bar in her neighborhood, so after a few drinks I decided to shoot her a text just to let her know I'm "in yer hood" - which I was.  No biggie (nothing too stoopid).  NO RESPONSE.  Which again is fine.  I know in the exchanges we've had that she's not always responded right away, so I don't think I did anything that bad.  I just was hoping I could contain myself and not text after the long text session we had on Tuesday.  Oh well... like I said - not the end of the world.  I didn't drunk text her or anything.  I'm sure I'll hear from her and should still be on for Saturday afternoon.***


*** UPDATE: 1/13/11 - 10am -- she responded :)


It's interesting if you look at the two incidents above.  Both deal with texting/reaching out and not getting a response.  One bothers me and the other doesn't.  It must have something to do with the history I have with each.  Since there is no relationship with the second my expectations are much lower.  With Mindy, we've been through stuff together and therefore there is a greater expectation.


The lesson?  Manage your expectations, people.  If you expect too much you will almost always be let down in some way.


As you were.

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

1/11/11

Oooooooh what a cool day -- just look at the numerology that's in action.


Not too much to report - not because I can't think of some good stories to share, but rather than stay up and write you heartless bastards, I was having about a three hour texting convo with Cath.


I know you might think that's a good sign.... and I think  - well, I know I'm winning her over in some capacity.  But it's still very clear she's wrestling with the aftermath of her relationship.  And things may not fully be resolved.  I need to be careful as to how much I open myself up to this girl.  For the first time we discussed our individual experience with our break-ups.  Again, trying to be careful as I want to tread lightly since she clearly is experiencing some new things she has yet to... mostly, what her future is going to be since, as of now, she ain't marrying the guy she thought she was going to marry (I don't know if this book is closed however)... anyway - that's her business.


I shared a little about my divorce, outlook on it, waxed poetic about relationships and what not - you know how I do!


I think she's concluded that I am a solid guy...  not sure where it all will lead.  She was quite shocked to learn my true age - not that she's too young... but people never expect me to be a guy in his 40s.

Again, what I've learned is who we envision someone to be and who they really are can be a night and day difference.  I may end up not liking her - but so far it's been fun getting to know her... she's funny, sweet, and easy on the eyes... did I mention funny?  That's an important one... I like that.



Gotta run, kids -- more to share later!

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

1/10/11

Tonight I'm in a bad mood...

You get nothing.

That is all.

Now GO!

Sunday, January 9, 2011

1/9/11

I'm taking the night off - last night's entry just took too much out of me emotionally...


But I will give this little nugget to you.


Excahnged texts with Cath -- IT'S ON!  Saturday afternoon we're hanging out... that's all... I've got no expectations other that two people hanging out and shooting the breezy.  I would have gone for sooner, but my week is pretty eff'd... totally content with Saturday.


Over and out!


Night ya'll

Saturday, January 8, 2011

1/8/11

Like I said yesterday - there wont be much relationship updates this weekend since it's a kids weekend (fine by me) -- it was actually a nice day.  No complaints for the most part.

If I had to have a complaint, it's that I'm still contending with the emotional aftermath of a failed marriage.

Here is what I know.  I know I don't miss being married to my ex (as I've said in the past, we are just two very different people philosophically - meaning we just had different priorities when it came to how either of us wanted to live our lives).  It doesn't make one right and the other wrong.  It just is.

Granted, it doesn't keep us from judging one another at times and the result can be considered an "argument".  However, we've managed to keep things civil and at the end of the day, even if we just "agree to disagree" we can move past things... until the next time ;).

So, what am I getting at?  Like I said.  I know I don't miss being married to her.  But, I do miss the feeling of what we had when it was working - a husband, a wife, two kids, dog... etc. etc. etc.   Again, I've discussed this before and my hope is one day to have it again.  But, I know after a year and a half of being out there that it's just as likely to happen as it is not to happen and I'm fine with that... sort of... Bottom line - I won't do it unless it really feels right.

But these are not new revelations - and I'm not here to vent tonight.  I'm here to just express some sadness.  Not because I think my ex set out to hurt my feelings intentionally.  No, in fact, I think it's the opposite.  I think she's dealing with things the best way she knows how (it may not be the way I would do it, but that doesn't make her wrong).  One thing I've learned recently is to "never take it personally".

My ex turned 40 last week and as many of us do when we're 40 - we throw a party in our honor.  When my 40th rolled around I had a dinner with friends - it just so happened to take place in the midst of my ex and I figuring everything out.  Needless to say it was an odd experience.  We kept up appearances and I had a very lovely time with some great friends.

So, tonight, my ex is out there with her boyfriend and having a party with her friends - many of whom I knew from my time with her (some of whom were at my 40th dinner) - and a few I still talk to time and again.  So why am I hurt?  Why should I care?  Because as both my ex and I would tell you - we don't hate one another (at least I don't hate her - we're just different).  I know the idea of having your ex-husband at your 40th (especially when there is a boyfriend) can and would be somewhat awkward.  But still, we've spent nearly half our lives together, and so whenever something goes down and I'm not a part of it, it feels like a little bit more of me gets erased... not sure what that means exactly, but that's the feeling.  Like a part of my life is continuing without me.

Tonight, another man toasts the woman I used to live with, had kids with, and yes, even loved -- and that is an odd, sad feeling.  It would have been nice to be there, because she's a good person at her core, I appreciate everything she does for our kids, and once upon a time she was very necessary for me to have in my life.

There was an odd moment the other day.  My son did something very dumb (as he's sometimes prone to do) and ended up in the ER (don't worry, he's fine... luckily).  Since my ex and daughter rode in the ambulance with him (like I said - he's fine) they of course were going to need a ride home.  They got in my car and I headed towards where I used to live with them.  The sun was beginning to set and I had my iPod playing some hip-hop mash ups my daughter and I have been listening to lately - It's really cool stuff.  My ex commented on how much she was digging it and was inquiring about it.  Much like she would have years ago when I would enjoy introducing the family to the latest thing I was listening to.  And truth be told, I put it on because I knew she would dig it (and I wanted to see if I was right)... I was.

And then it happened - for a brief moment the feeling came over me - I was driving home - the sun was setting, and we were all enjoying some music... it felt as if the last year-and-a-half was just some bad dream - and I had my family again... or rather the feeling of it... the feeling I had been missing.

...and as fast as that feeling had arrived it was suddenly gone when my ex's cell phone rang - She began chatting about something I knew nothing of (Was it her boyfriend?  A friend gossiping about something?  Her mom, dad - who knows?... I never will because it's not my business - it's not my life).  It's gone.

THIS is my life now... not that moment.  I pulled up to the house and dropped my ex off - after all, it's my weekend with the kids and I love the time I get to spend with them... especially the weekends... but tonight I take a moment to acknowledge a sadness (fortunately, it will be one that will vacate the premises quickly).  I'm sure it stings because it reminds me of my 40th and what was happening then.  Tonight, she celebrates her 40th without me (not because she hates me (I don't think), but perhaps because it would have been too awkward or sad or whatever to have me there.  Only she could tell you).  Regardless, I hope it was a hard decision to make, but I don't want to know either way... what's done is done.  I just have to accept it.

The fact is we are no longer together and have both moved on as much as two people can who share two kids.  However, it doesn't erase the memory of the past (that moment in the car proved that to me) - God, Eternal Sunshine was an amazing movie!

I think you get the point.

Happy Birthday, _____________!