Monday, January 24, 2011

1/23/11

FAWKING HELL!  Why did I put myself in this position?  OK, I am going to write about something I really don't want to, but if I don't then I'm being a hypocrite.  This blog is about ME telling YOU about my journey... my year... my year of fawking loving dangerously.  It's not that this is some major revelation - or will shock you.  I guess it's just slightly embarrassing.

I'm back on OKc -- for those of you who don't know... OKc stands for OK Cupid... a dating website... a free dating website.

Now over the last year I toyed with the idea.  I dipped a toe in the water on JDate and that was a big "no thank you" (You know there is need for concerned when the girl is wearing a wedding dress in her profile pic - slow down Yentl, we haven't even met yet) -- from there I slowly checked out others, but again I just kept getting the "where is that husband o mine?" vibe.... knowhutimsayin?!  So a friend of mine told me about OKc back in October... I went on -- seemed pretty easy to manage.  While there will always be the contingency of "still looking for 'the one' and I hope it's you" folks, there also seemed to be a balance of people who are just trying to figure it all out.  A pay site is a commitment unto itself so I think it lends itself to those who are predisposed to locking "the one" down - they're ready, willing, and heavily financed for the mission.  OKc seems about as close to the real world scenario in that you're getting them in all shapes and sizes... that's my take.

So back in Oct I started the OKc adventure and by December I was done... that is until now.

My first go round ran the gambit and I experienced about every type of experience from the "let's fall in love after one date", to the "let's meet for coffee", which became the "your definitely not my type" (meaning me, not her).  I made a friend who I still IM with but have yet to ever meet in person (which is fine - we're like online friends).  I met a girl who I seemed to click with and then met in person and am pretty sure she was crazy (she told me she had once been homeless).  I even made sexy time with a woman who went from "I don't want anything serious" to well... it felt like she was flipping the script as they say in hip hop...  I was lucky in that case in that I didn't have to really deal with it.  I had taken a day or so to take in what had transpired and I guess she just wrote me off because I found I was no longer FB friends or on BBM with her.. phew!

You get the idea... now remember, I'm somewhat new to this, and was definitely new to the online world.  I think first go round I was more concerned with finding out whether or not I could do it... I was in essence "selling" myself to get dates.  I was charming, funny, etc etc etc... but in the end whether I simply made out with a girl or actually sealed the deal, I never felt good about it - it didn't feel organic... it was almost more by design.  Sure, I was nice, respectful, decent, but still a part of me was being dishonest (not intentionally mind you - this is in retrospect)... I was selling the promise of what a great guy I was and was pretty successful and getting women to be interested (this even spilled over into my everyday life once I had discontinued OKc).  This is what led to theYOLD.  I am starting anew this year, which is why I'm also back on OKc.  I have a new perspective on my approach to dating.

It's hard to put into words, but put it this way, I'm going to be doing my best to no longer "sell" myself.  I am just going to be me and move very slowly.  I am not going to date for the sake of dating (I'd rather sit home and write).  I'm not going to "try" and hook-up... I am not going to "try" and have sex (now, if something happens "in the moment" - so be it, as long as both parties are on the same page... I had the good fortune of having that happen last summer ;) ooohweeee that was fun).

This is all an imperfect science and I am doing my best to discover who it is I am when it comes to the subject of love and relationships.  The important thing is I now know I am capable of having a relationship... now I just need to find someone who I want to have one with and who wants to have one with me and then see where it all leads.

I got a text today from Cath - and I did not initiate (pat self on back)... doesn't mean anything, but I now know I cannot chase her.  And I am not going to ask her for plans at this point.  She knows I want to get together (after all, we had plans that she had to flake on)... so, at this point, let her come to me.

I've started to chat with a few girls on OKc and I'm approaching it with my newfound dating eyes... keep you posted.

And lastly, tomorrow is Monday, and will probably see Sandra... As I said before, if there is an opportunity to initiate a "hey, let's grab lunch" then I'll do it and see what she's about.

There, you happy?  Now, you know... xoxoxo ya'll

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