Sunday, January 30, 2011

1/29/11

I knew this day would come....


Upon undertaking this task of blogging about theYOLD I knew there would come a point in time when I would have to ask myself this question.  What's the right thing to do?


Now the good news is I never made any of you a promise of what I would and wouldn't write about.  And since I don't believe in absolutes I never feel I'm locked into one idea.  Up until now I've done a lot of "warts n all' sharing, which has been awesome.  But as more and more of you read this (I will have over 2000 page views by the end of the month) I know there is a risk of the blog becoming part of my personal everyday life.  I touched on that the other day when I made out with GWNNY and she brought it up (eeek!).


So....


Here is my dilemma.  How much is too much?  Just because I can write unfiltered doesn't mean I should (see Jeff Goldblum's speech in Jurassic Park).  Granted I've been able to withhold things that I felt weren't appropriate to share out of respect to others.  A make out session with a girl is one thing, but a relationship is another.


SO...


What happens if I meet a girl I want to pursue something with?  I can't just start a relationship and then run home everyday to write on theYOLD about everything that's happening.  Especially if end up really liking someone - how would that person feel about the day-to-day documenting/musings of theYOLD?  It would be a shame to have something go so well just to throw a monkey wrench into it when they discover I YOLD about my pursuits and feelings on the very thing we're pursuing.  AND, it's not something I really want to have to share at the onset of a relationship: "by the way - you should know that I am writing about everything I do"... just doesn't seem appropriate... ya dig?  it's hard enough to get over the hurdle of being a divorcee and having kids.


SO SO SO...


What to do... what to do...


I think the purpose of theYOLD isn't suppose to be about the detailed account of my life.  I think it's suppose to be about my evolution under the pursuit of the thing that I would like to have back in my life.  I don't think it's about me contemplating my feelings for a girl in public.  It would be lame for a girl I'm seriously dating to discover blog entries where I'm debating my feelings.  While it may be entertaining/interesting/fascinating for you, I would hate to put the very thing I want at risk for the sake of you MoFos...


Now don't start reading into this and thinking that I'm suddenly in a relationship.  But as I begin to meet women who I'm not FB friends with and would have no other way of knowing about theYOLD, I begin to ponder the question of what is and isn't OK... It's not like this is some private journal.  I'm pulling a straight up Carrie Bradshaw (ugh, how bad is it that I know her name).


I like the fact that I've been using this to not only account some of my daily pursuits but to also recount past ones and perhaps I will begin to focus on that.... going all the way back to the beginning  -- my first recollection of having feelings for the opposite sex... I believe I can go all the way back to the first or second grade.  I know I won't remember all of them, but I've got stories (some funny, some sad, some business as usual).  I think it's important to know where you've been in order to know where you're going.


Sooooooooooo - in closing...


I think I'm going to shift gears in that I'm not going to give daily updates as to what I'm doing... I think I will focus more on the personal evolution I'm presently going through and weaving it in with the past experiences I've had.


With that... I will share this current tidbit before signing off.  Here is my current dilemma and something I am wrestling with.  While I've written on about longing for something, I can see myself hesitant to give up something as well.... my new found freedom.... or is that perhaps I'm afraid to pull the trigger with a girl because I'm scared that I will be missing out on something with someone else.  


But here is what I say to that.... maybe THAT'S why relationships CAN and DO last weeks, months, years, and then fall apart.  You are allowed to end a relationship if you're not getting everything you want.  This of course doesn't apply to sex... if you just want to have sex with multiple women you can do that without being in a committed relationship... BUT, I guess it's possible to be in something and then find something else you like better.  It's also possible to screw up, but resolve matters.  I have to say that watching the evolution of Ronnie and Sammy Sweethearts relationship on The Jersey Shore has been quite perplexing... until last week's episode.  For all the making out Ronnie did in Miami when they were going through tough times, I truly believe he did/does love her.  I can't begin to tell you how successful of an episode that was last week.  Between Sammy coming to terms with her "issues" and trying to grow and Ronnie's raw display of emotion, I was riveted and the show truly stepped out of being about Jersey stereotypes and being about human beings.


Of course, the cast of the JS aren't without their faults... I mean Snookie is just falling off the tracks.


Wow, I'm all over the place today.  What was my point before going off on the JS?  I think I guess I'm just going back to what I said the other day about not owing anyone anything.  We as men and women are allowed to change our minds, we are allowed to make mistakes, and we are allowed to forgive if we choose to do so.  We all thought Sammy was crazy for taking Ronnie's BS when it came to the messing around... and while I don't think it's OK to smooch other women while you're in a committed relationship, I don't think he was doing it for the sake of doing it... I think he was wrestling with the issues they were having and acting out as such (it just so happens there were cameras on him).  Sammy willingness to take him back was her understanding of that.  While she has every right to be pissed and not tolerate it, she understands that "the whole is greater than the sum of its parts"... I always get nervous when I try to get deep like that.


Time to get moving... but I look forward to seeing what entries are to come... and I promise to do my best to give you the full tilt experience.


- Heartless

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