Tuesday, September 15, 2009

Loverboy would refer to it as "lovin' every minute of it"

I'm jealous…

Yes, jealous… jealous of what you ask? Or maybe not – maybe you could care less. But I’m here today to talk of my jealously of people… No, not people who need people. Jealous of people who have the ability to lose themselves in a moment -- whether it is at a concert, a karaoke bar, or a TGIFridays Happy Hour. People who appear to be enjoying a euphoric experience with others without fear of judgment.

I used to judge people like that and dismiss them as depressed individuals who run towards happiness as they cling to a cheap pitcher of Margs and the song "Taking Care of Business" like it was the only piece of happiness they could experience before returning to the misery awaiting them on their drive home. "How sad" I would say to myself. I assumed these people were probably working miserable jobs and doing what they could to enjoy every moment of their time away from the grind. How dare they – I would think these people didn’t get it… happiness couldn’t be found at happy hour. No, these individuals who could let their hair down and just enjoy life must be the ones missing out on reality... I couldn't be the one with the problem -- I've got too healthy a view of the world.

But wait… what if it is me? I’m not saying some of those Happy Hour Margartiaville Mavens aren't off their rocker, but who am I to judge? Where do I get off determining who is truly happy in this world and who isn't. I think it has something to do with the need for understanding -- we're scared of things we can't understand, so to label it and affix a definition to it is to put it in its rightful place, so it can't harm us. So, if I lack the ability to lose myself in a moment, it's not me with the problem it's Long Tall Sally on the karaoke machine at Golden Monkey who belts it to the rafters with her drunk co-workers as they perform their Corona infused version of The Pointer Sisters "Neutron Dance" who has the problem… Guess who must be full of shit? Ding Ding Ding -- it's me :)

I thinks this is part of the reason I use to enjoy writing screenplays - I could create a world and characters who behaved in a way I only wish I could – In a movie, the underdog always gets his moment to shine and prove the world wrong (wax on/wax off). I think I'm still waiting for that moment.

Now, I don’t write this next part to tug at your heartstrings – these ramblings are meant to be entertaining. And I don’t want you to think that just because I’m sharing this that I somehow sit in a state of utter sadness 24/7. I have a lot of happiness (in fact, I’m really enjoying writing these things)

The simple fact is I am judgmental because I’ve spent my whole life being judged… hmmmm, that’s not right either. I spent most of my young life and some of my adult life being judged and the fear of that judgment has carried into my adult life. What's worse - I've allowed myself to be judged. Long story short – or I could say Longstreet story… short. I was short, small, puny, a runt, whichever words you want. Growing up I didn’t fit in. And I was immature on top of it. When I was a senior in High School I was 5’3” and literally looked like I was 12 – my voice hadn’t even fully changed (I’m not exaggerating). I did not fit in and so I over compensated in my search for acceptance, which in turn alienated myself even more from the pack. Trying too hard is a turn off. Yes, I did have friends, but you catch what I’m throwing by now.

I was insecure - every time I was singled out by my peers as being different it stuck with me and I began to second-guess my instincts. So, I became hyper-aware of myself, cautiously controlling every move I made for fear of judgment (thinking as many steps ahead as I could as to control my fate)… now there are a lot of nuances to this and things from my home life that contributed as well, blah blah blah… but there’s only so much I can rehash. And the point of this is to end on some sort of uplifting note because the fact that I can have these moments of clarity is actually a good thing. I’m trying to be a better person here people.

Nowadays, while I still have difficulty “cutting loose” (some call it uptight) – I really enjoy people who seem to enjoy themselves without a hint of trepidation…

I stand before you reader with this vow – I will try harder to live in the moment and not worry about 20 steps ahead (except in my work because that’s what makes me good at it) – I’m talking about when I’m out and about whether I’m alone, with friends, or family. I will try to enjoy myself organically (and not manufacture it). I will try… it won’t be easy, but I will try to learn how to “be”…

I think I can do it. I’m already thinking ahead at all the living in moments I’m going to do in the coming weeks… is that wrong? :)

Keep on rockin' it!


No comments:

Post a Comment