Saturday, September 19, 2009

Video Dreams (Part 4)

Large greasy/smelly guy would have been a welcome addition to the population of two Jeremy was now contending with – himself being one of the two. Just when things couldn’t get creepier, here was a balding guy with gym shorts and a tank top. His eczema covered hands and psoriases covered elbows accentuated the fact he was sticking to the “guy on guy” selections. Not that Jeremy had a problem with homosexuality and those who chose that lifestyle, but something told him there was a whole lot more going on with this guy than just a simple sexual preference. On top of it, he hadn’t seen the him the whole time he’d been in the store and wondered how much time the guy had already spent in here. Each second he remained in this alternate universe was one second too long and he would have to get in and get out with minimal time allowed for thinking.

SIDE NOTE: Unless you’re going to a “sex shop” to get your pornography, the vast majority of adult title renters are relegated to these narrow walk-in closet sized areas that are wallpapered with titles ranging from “Temple of Poon” to “Where The Boys Aren’t 5” to “Two Dicks, One Chick” to “Fuck My Asshole, Please!” (hey, at least she said please)… with the amount of hardcore coming out of the North Valley how is one suppose to wade through the swampy selection of emission based entertainment and know what you were getting. The truth is you didn't - you could wind up with the “Citizen Kane” of porn titles as you could some back alley piece of crap that would recycle the same shot of a fourth rate Ginger Lynn faux kissing a sixth rate Nina Harltey’s squeezebox over and over and over in order to stretch the scene to fifteen minutes… this is the gamble porn renters took.

Jeremy’s job was made slightly easier by the fact that he liked his porn one way – all chicks – and Video Dreams was nice enough to organize their adult titles with the same respect they showed for their mainstream ones, and each style/fetish/or whatever you want to call it was broken down by their genre. He only needed to look down to find the “All Girl” area, which took up only two shelves. Meanwhile, Eczema Psoriases Sr. was painstakingly reading the description on the box titled “Ram Rod”. For a moment, Jeremy feared eye contact was about to go down. The blinders went up and Jeremy briefly dreamed about how great life was going to be once he got out of there. But for now, he would do as he always did. Find a title that sounded hot, and not too familiar, so as not rent something he had already seen – unfortunately, the similarity in titles could lead to the error.

“All Girl Dildo Party: Volume 2” seemed like a good bet. With a running time of four hours there was bound to be the use of the recycled shots, but given it was a compilation film the odds were in Jeremy’s favor there would be some good stuff (clearly this filmmaker was the Michael Cimino of porn and this was his Heaven’s Gate). Jeremy would pull another magician like sleight-of-hand by placing the sordid title in between Amanda Peterson and Daffy Duck thereby allowing him to walk freely throughout the store without anyone noticing what he had done. Hocus pocus and abracadabra – and the tape was now masterfully concealed between to the two socially redeemable selections. It was time to get out while the getting was good.

As Jeremy turned for the saloon doors he was once again confronted with E.P. Sr. who was clearly still entrenched in his research of the cockestry arts, however he had now moved to another area of the “man love” section and was obstructing the once clear path back to the real world. Jeremy would have to negotiate his exit through the narrow room so as not make physical contact… a cardinal sin of the adult title section. Jeremy took a quick breath and held it – he made his move towards the exit, coming within centimeters of the ointment-starved skin of the guy. Centimeters became millimeters as E.P. Sr. to the tenth power adjusted to make room, but only made matters worse – Jeremy could feel the ghost-like contact they had made – or hadn’t made. Whatever it was, it was too close for comfort, Mr. Rush.

And then there was a brief calm as Jeremy noticed he was now standing outside the adult section, his three VHS tapes in hand. He wasn’t sure what finally got him through the doors, but his brain and instinct had clearly taken over to get him through the traumatic experience. Whatever the case, he had now emerged and was ready to tackle the final phase of his mission… the check out… Granted, returning of the tapes could be considered part of the mission, but with a night drop being readily available at Video Dreams this was merely a formality. Jeremy could sit in his car, wait until no one was in sight and then drop the tapes in the slot.

This was the moment he feared the most, because it involved an unavoidable human interaction In order to get his prized possession home, it would have to get scanned and paid for up-front – and could even require the exchanging of dialogue.

To Be Continued...


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