Tuesday, September 15, 2009

HOLY SHIRT!!!

Happiness is a FUCKING GREAT SHIRT!!!!

Ooooooooooohhhhh fucking great shirt – what you do to me. You know just what I like. I salivate over you the way Homer lathers up the salivary glands for a donut. When it comes to clothes, it’s all about the shirt… A FUCKING GREAT SHIRT.

And they are soooooo hard to find. You know the ones I’m talking about. The ones that feel like someone gave a shit when they made it. When it comes to t-shirts there is nothing better than that 100% cotton masterpiece as you put it on and it just lies perfectly against your skin. The short sleeves kissing the arm as if to say “don’t worry that you have no real defined muscle tone, I’ll create the illusion of strength by snuggling up to the triceps and biceps and cradle it like a baby…. Coochie coochie coo.

But more often than not the pendulum swings the opposite way and the sweatshop in Taiwan that pays minus two dollars an hour cranks out shirts with a hip hop Tasmanian Devil on it and whose sleeves couldn’t give a shit about you or your need for a love life. You know the sleeves I’m talking about… It’s like having a pair of God damn dragon wings sewn on like you're about to take flight and battle Gandalf (Nerd reference). And who is determining sizes these days – there is nothing worse than picking up a Large and it’s more like XXXL to the tenth power (I call them the Hometown Buffet Middle America can’t get enough of those Nacho specials and don’t forget the extra cheese and jalepenos) – THAT AIN’T NO FUCKING LARGE, Der Kommissar!!…

I’ve recently come into some weight loss, so I’m very excited by the prospect of some new shirts (I recently picked up a couple Rag & Bone tees and to quote Damone “I think I came” – “hey, that Damone is a real loud mouth” but I digress). But that’s how good these things feel and look…

Here’s the thing though. I think I could have gone down a size but I’m still mustering up the courage. When it comes to sizes I’m trying to figure out am I medium or a large. I’m sort of in this no-mans-land where I think I could go medium because I’ve dropped like 15-20 pounds, but the only problem is my abs are fucking depressing (like Jello inside a pillow case, so going medium will only show off my side of beef fat I’m smuggling - I mean, it’s still better than the pot roast I was rocking), but what do I do? I’m convinced there is medium tee out there that is the answer to my prayers… I dream about you medium tee… “I’ll be waiting, I love you.”

Maybe I should start PerfectTshirt.com where you can go on and find the perfect shirt.

- I am a 5’10” male of average-to-sad build and enjoys shirts with ironical expressions. Jerk Shirts need not apply.

And then shirts can go on and find their perfect match… what the? That’s impossible, Greg – shirts don’t know how to use computers much less a dating website.

Where was I? Ah yes, the shirt… the lovely tee --- but I’ve gushed over thee long enough – there is also nothing better than a button up shirt that compliments the torso – some are just cut masterfully… but let’s stop there because there are only so many ways I can talk about a great shirt a not get dull… if I don’t stop, I’ll start praising the social relevance of the mock-turtle… and we wouldn’t want that.

I put it to you the reader. You know I’m right about this – In our closets we have shit loads of shit clothes that for one reason or another worked for a second – whether it looked good in the bullshit department store mirror and then let you down when you got home --- or even worse… those shirts that start off looking great, but one washing and kaput! In the closet they go to die a slow death. BUT!!!!! We all have those few shirts we covet… ooooooohhhhhh - you know the shirt I’m talking about. The one you always wear when you go out to try and get fucked. It’s that shirt that makes the cut when you’re packing for Vegas.

Pants do play a role in all this, but let’s face it – at least for guys, you can get away with a lot when it comes to pants – it’s the shirt that makes the man. And I am a man, so I’m not go to try and pretend I know how it is for the ladies.

What I wouldn’t give for a closet full of perfect shirts. I believe the shirt is an art form – James Perse knows, Rag & Bone knows, Z Brand knows, Varvatos knows, Theory knows…. And so many more that are just waiting to be discovered… whoever you people are who are taking the time to get it right, I thank you and my puny biceps that look a little bigger in your shirts thank you. Keep living the dream because without you I’d look like a bigger piece of shit than I already am.

BRING BACK CHICKENSHIRT WHILE YOU’RE AT IT!!!!

Longstreet

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