Saturday, March 19, 2011

3/19/11

A shift has occurred... I can't explain it.


Or maybe I can...


Something is different.  Something is different in me...


I think I finally "feel" like I'm in control of my life.  Where once I felt relegated to some predetermined outcome, I now feel that there are multiple outcomes depending on what I choose to do with my life.


And while every day may not be perfect - I do have a the strongest sense of self I've ever felt.  In essence, I think I know what I'm doing.


Could I stand to make more money?  Of course!  Have I reached my goals?  Not yet... but on my way.  Have I found love?  Nope.... but I know it's possible.


Confidence is up - self doubting is down.


I knock on wood because I know and accept there will be moments in the future that rattle the foundation... but the foundation feels stronger than it's ever been and without question I can weather any approaching storm.


What's it all mean as far as relationships and love?  God if I know... but bring it.  I can handle it.


I am about a month out from the 2 year anniversary of the beginning of the end of my marriage.  And I finally feel like the final strings have been cut and my life is my own.  Yes, I have two kids with my ex and we remain on friendly terms -- as I've said before, we are devoted parents and will always do what we feel is best for them.  We respect one another.  I respect her new relationship and the goals she's accomplished in the last few years.  I know she would say the same about me.  I'm not sure either of us could have reached these achievements in the relationship we were in.  Not that it was a nightmare, but the dynamic didn't lend itself to what we both needed to be fulfilled.  Of course, nothing in life is perfect, but we've accomplished something in divorce that few have.


I want to take this moment to thank all the women I've met over the last 1.5 years - 


To the first girl I made out with post marriage - that was a strange experience.  


To the first one I slept with.  That was a lot of frickin' baggage coming at you. 


To the first girl I really had feelings for (also the first girl I slept with) ... timing is a bitch (and she would attest to that) - but it let me know I could have feelings for another woman.  I will always feel something special for her and I wish her all the happiness she deserves (I hope she finds it).  


To the countless girls I drunkenly made out with in the clubs - sooo much fun. To the first (and last) dates - either it wasn't right for you or it wasn't right for me... regardless, it just wasn't right.


To the Blondentourage who took me out into the night and let a 40 year old know he could still have fun.  You girls really took care of me during a major transition in my life.  And even though I always felt too old for the group - you made it seem like not such a big deal.  I look forward to the next time we can get together and toast skinny bitches!


To Toronto!  And the shovel man who always awaits my arrival there.  Poppin' bottles and lighting it up like it's dynamite!  I can't wait to come dance with your city again.


To OKstoopid (aka OKcupid) - talk about a learning experience.... but it led me to meet my IM friend (who I have yet to actually meet)... but it's fun to think I made a friend on a dating website... even if it's only in cyberspace.


And to having my world ROCKED.... Now, I can honestly say I feel I've lived.... I don't say that as a swipe at the 18 years of being in a committed realtionship which included pretty much all of my 20s, but I think the experiences I've had in the last few years were crucial to my emotional growth.


I don't know what the future ultimately holds, but I know it's going to be something.


Have a great night everybody.


I love you.


Heartless

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