This just will never end. My constant need/wanting to share with you.
Am I interesting? Am I telling you things? Am I telling you things you've only thought about but never dared say aloud? Am I making a bigger deal of all of this than it really is? Are you over it? I am. I fucking hate this thing some days. There is nothing more gratifying when you have a strong idea you want to share. You type it up and it hits the bulls eye... at least as far as I'm concerned. The flipside is staring at this fucking thing and trying to determine what your about to say will be some groundbreaking work of languishing genius.
This is one of those times where I'm not too sure where I want to go. Part of me hates sharing on this thing because as I meet women and they become my Facebook friend they soon discover my blog and then have access to my inner thoughts. You may say "well, then... don't share your fricking blog on your FB page!" The problem is as a writer I like people to read my work. I like to evoke a response. I like to share.
I'm sure a lot of women's impression of me is that of someone who is just going out and playing the field. Someone not ready to settle in (after all I was married for an awfully long time). On one hand you wouldn't be wrong. But I think there is a difference between someone who is playing the field with no intention of leaving versus someone who is playing the field with the hope of finding someone. I think both are possible. Now, it could also be possible that by simply playing the field you are laying the groundwork for not finding someone. Perhaps the message you send by putting yourself out there turns off that which you are trying to attract. I don't know.
The funny thing is there are women who I've met that do it for me... and I'm not just talking about it a sexual way. I mean, I'm stimulated by not only their looks, but what appears to be some intellect. But it moves so slow and part me feels that isn't meant to move so slow. I'm not sure. I don't think there are any ultimate rules for how this is all suppose to play out.
I've said it before and I'll say it again. I simply want someone to spend time with on a semi-regular, if not regular, basis. This four dates and done is for the birds. I don't even know if I'm making sense here. What I'm trying to tell you is I really really REALLY don't want to be alone... and I don't want someone out of desperation. I want someone who wants to be with me. Who thinks I'm funny. Who relates to where I'm coming from. Who appreciates the things I appreciate. And I want them to want the same in return.
I think it's part of the reason I think I could end up with someone younger (or at least someone who isn't jaded). I'm jaded - how can I not be after having been married for so long. I think I'm looking for the impossible. I mean, how can I have a longstanding relationship with someone so much younger than me. They're idealistic about love and marriage. Something I've spoken about in the past (being young and dumb and in love). I just don't know what's possible for me. But maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I'll be out one night and will meet someone who I just click with. That would be amazing. To have that moment where the two of us just sit there and everything each of us is saying is just reaffirming that this is "meant to be". A woman who gets me and a woman I can get. And we can just "be". And we can make plans together. We can go to dinner - we can even cook dinner. We can hang out and read or simply just lay down and take a nap knowing we have nowhere else to be. That's something isn't it. Something special.
I'm thankful for many things, namely my kids. But, I want what I want. I will remain patient and hope someone comes along... for both our sakes.
I fear I've said too much and I am going to sign off. To whoever you are out there that's waiting to meet me. I promise, I'll keep trying to find you. In the meantime, don't get mad if I enjoy the company of other women while I continue my search. ;)