What drives me? What am I after? Love? Sex? Some company? All the above? Pieces... bits and pieces of everything.
Life is in constant conflict ... I've spoken before about the contradictions in my life. On one hand I'm a father of two beautiful children and on the other I'm a single man chasing the party... or rather girls if I want to be technical about it.
Now, I may end up repeating a story here. I don't have time to comb through all my entries to date to see if I've already written about this experience, so... what the hay... here we go - either again or for the first time.
A big part of my life as far as things I enjoy is music. Music plays an incredibly important role in that it allows me to enhance whatever it is I'm feeling. It's one thing to feel something internally, but when you choose a song and press play on the iPod, or even better, the perfect song actually comes on the radio that goes along with what's happening inside of you, it can be euphoric. I think music is my addiction in that it causes a chemical reaction that I need. It makes me feel good... even when I'm sad - the right song to compliment the sadness is actually comforting.
So as I was saying, or have said in the past, I had an experience that was just too odd not to share. I was driving in my car a while ago with my kids and this song comes on...
Nothing wrong with it -- fun song... Party song. Now, the great thing about songs are they have the ability to take you back to a place in time and remind you of an experience. Be it the songs that were playing when my kids were born, a song from my teenage years, etc.... Neil Diamond, Duran Duran, KISS, Beastie Boys, etc etc etc -- they're my own personal time machine -- you know what I mean.
So the fun Taio Cruz song comes on and before my mind can hit 88 mph and travel back, the angelic voice of my tween daughter chimes in from the backseat. "I love this song!" I smile and agree as I turn up the volume -- the chorus commences and she sings along. So sweet...right?
My daughter sings along, I bob my head... and then - I hit 88 mph and the flux capacitor activates... I travel back to probably less then a month earlier when I heard the same song - only things were much different. I was in Toronto - I was out with two beautiful girls - I was drunker than drunk - I was in a club - I was dancing, sandwiched between said beautiful girls and making out with the blonde one... I was having the grown up time of my life (or rather I am a grown up, but I was acting like anything but).
This is the contradiction my life has become.
A song plays and I enjoy it with my daughter so innocently, and then I think about the behavior I'm displaying when they're not around. I'm not ashamed of it - it's just an odd experience. I know I've written about the double life before. But this moment really hits it home. I feel like it's an amazingly truthful but funny scene you would see in a movie. The father driving his kids to school as they all enjoy "Dynamite" by Taio Cruz. It all seems genuine and wholesome. Meanwhile, intercut are scenes of the single father's night out on the town, acting a drunken fool with girls half his age - behavior his kids would be mortified by if they had to witness it.
Not much more to do or say about it.... it's just fact. An incredibly odd, funny fact of my life.
Anyway, I think that just about covers it. We'll call it the "Dynamite Dilemma". Have a good night everybody. At last, a weekend off - no travel, no work... just some hang in town on the weekend time. I likey that... I likey that a-lot. I have a feeling there will be more a "Dynamite Dilemma" in my future.