I know I've spoken recently of the great ride/high I've been on. However, I've always been straight forward with you readers that I fully understood that this could not continue forever.... that dark days indeed are and always will be ahead. There are no highs without lows to compare it to... that's what makes them highs.
Now, don't get me wrong. I'm in no sort of depression at this moment. Again, it's more of that "alone with everyone" sort of feeling. I wish I had a social circle that I could count on. You know, friends who call and say "hey, come over for a BBQ" or "hey, we're all meeting for drinks" or "hey, we're all having an orgy" -- OK, maybe not that last one. But, I am envious of those who have those friendships. I do have some friends that I consider good friends - they just aren't prone to those types of activities.
Unfortunately, I gave that up when I chose the life of marriage and family. The friends I use to be social with were born out of that relationship and so there just isn't the opportunity now to hang out socially with them. My job sort of feeds my social side but the social element of my job is fleeting and usually relegated to a day here, a day there, a night here, a night there. I love to have fun - I really do.
I was in NYC last week and had the chance to go out with a bunch of people I had just met and I had an amazing time just drinking, laughing, flirting, etc... it reminds of how important being social is. The other thing that makes being social difficult is being a single father with joint custody. It's great that I get to spend a lot of time with my kids, but when you're sharing custody you're relegated to a schedule and since the most quality of quality time falls on the weekends (as opposed to the weekdays after a long day at work) I am less inclined to hire a babysitter so I can go out. It's my kids time to spend with me and want to get as much in as I can. The downside is I tend to miss out on things. I have to resort to the timing being right.
I'm not quite sure what I'm getting at -- well, I kind of do. I guess hook-ups and dating aside I'm still quite a lonely man. Often wondering if there will ever be someone special (even if it's just a girlfriend). I made mention yesterday that I'm somewhat surprised that I have yet to have a real girlfriend post divorce. Maybe I haven't allowed myself to be open to it. Or I attract myself to women who are ultimately emotionally unavailable or ultimately undesirable from a relationship standpoint (and let's not forget my lesbian crush... doubtful I can pull off a Chasing Amy).
Listen YOLD readers... hopefully a lot of you out there are either married or have steady boyfriends/girlfriends because being single SUCKS... period....or maybe it doesn't.... maybe it's better to say that being lonely SUCKS... I need to make an effort to make more friends and take part in social activities. Fuck! Sounds like a lot of work... I've gotta find a friend and then inject myself into their social circle.... My problem is I don't look like a 41 year old, so I don't think I'd fit in well with people my age. My time hanging with the blondentourage was soooo much fun, but I kept finding myself having a hard time hanging with girls that were virtually half my age. They were fun as shit though.
This all sounds boring to you don't it? Don't worry - it's almost over.... I know you love it when I open up about this shit. Relatable isn't it?
Tomorrow night is Thursday -- the kids will be with their mum.... a chance for me to be social. Feel free to place your bets.