So - here I sit ... sipping coffee and getting ready to enjoy a slice of blackout choco pound cake at Urth Cafe on Melrose (yes, the place where every episode of Entourage is filmed) -- This frickin' city amazes me... it's like the city itself is one big studio backlot... but I digress.
I've come to realize -- wah-huh -- HOLY SHIT!!!! They just delivered my pound cake and it's enough for 3 - Christ, nothing like big portions to remind you you're by yourself... Anyway - back to it!
I've come to realize this... I no longer know what I want when it comes to women (at least when it comes to relationships). I mean, sure, the physical connection is awesome and even just having amazing conversation with a girl is great, which obviously works more within the realm of the emotional connection... but where the two intersect are now more unclear than they've ever been -- I no longer know what I'm looking for... It is a feeling that is both freeing and horrifying --
I do know this (and I've spoken about it before) -- I want to love someone and I want someone to love me back ... But who I was before and who I am today are so different. I am a stranger in my own skin -- I am a relationship junkie going through withdrawals because the relationship drug I had become accustomed to no longer works - in some ways it's hell - hey, at least they serve cake and coffee here in hell.
So, what is it I want? What's the fix I need to cure this uncomfortable feeling I have? God, I wish I knew. I know that I used to think life played out like a movie - where fate and love at first sight were a given and everything had some sort of meaning or connection (there was some sort of story being told). I'm not saying those things are impossible -- especially the LAFS thing (love at first sight!)... But I think that when we're young and idealistic we're more willing to give ourselves over to those concepts. But when you've lived through it and you're coming out the other end - there is just... just... just - I don't know the word. Hope? Maybe that's the word. I hope... I am hopeful that it can and will happen again for me.... however, I'm realizing that it's going to be different and it's going to take time. I don't mean different as far as the external - I mean different internally. The way I experience it, the way I process it, the way I act in it. I am no longer the person I once was, so there is no way for me to expect my relationships to play out as they once did.
Please don't ask me if there is a point to all this rambling -- I couldn't tell you... That's why it's called rambling. This is me with an hour to kill and this is how I choose to spend it -- with me, myself, and cake & coffee and some stream of consciousness word play.
A year ago I was killing it at Tribeca Film Festival for a client and upon my return I found myself to be a stranger in a strange land. Yes, I've been able to navigate and stay the course, but it's unlike anything I've ever experienced. I always knew this outcome was possible, but I never fathomed what it would feel like. And even now it's indescribable -- I sit here, looking around, and I watch the man and woman sitting nearby who are clearly meeting for the first time for coffee to see if there is potential - I see a woman selling roses - I see men sitting with men discussing women - I see women sitting with women discussing men -- and Frank Sinatra plays through Urth's speakers (he's got the world on a string)... And here I sit - cup of coffee and too much cake -- too much cake.... yeah
I think what I'm trying to say is - and I don't say this to out of depression or sadness - I say it with hope (I like that word) -- what I'm trying to say is... I think it would be nice to have someone to share my cake with...