Thursday, March 8, 2012

March 8th, 2012

LIKE LOTTO... gotta be in it to win it.

So, I'm back - with what? I don't know. I do know I'm not interested in blogging about my love life on a daily basis. That's not to say I won't discuss it at all - after all, it continues to be quite the interesting experience with all the trimmings! What's amazing is that I'm no further along then I was when I left you back in May 2011 -- everyday I'm shufflin', trying to find a balance that works. And just to be clear, it's not me being a player - it's me trying to find something that works.

As always, I remain hopeful - and, as always, I remain the same - a scared romantic (don't ask - that's another conversation)

I've learned a lot in the past year -- while I'm driven by the continuing pursuit of the opposite sex, I'm also discouraged beyond belief. The push and pull. The I'm too into you or the you're too into me... it's madness I tell you.

The ability to find two people who can be on the same wavelength is a challenging one. Probably more so at my age. At 42 I've seen and done a lot and I'm caught in the middle of wanting to be irresponsible and sensible. It's hard to explain, but I see it and I live it.

I'm not interested in naming names or speaking ill of anyone -- as I've maintained, all is fair in love -- I'm allowed to reject you just like you're allowed to reject me. It's not personal because we're all allowed to find what it is we want that will make us happy.

So enough of that for now. The last year has brought much change and I'm very excited about what the next chapter has in store. My goals are simple - transition into a new phase of my PR career and move into a bigger apartment so I can have more room for my kids :) -- I like those goals - tangible... not emotional.

There is so much on the horizon to look forward to like an upcoming Vegas bachelor party (it should be noted this will be my first Vegas bachelor party post marriage -- you do the math!) -- I bring attention to this because my bachelor party was kind of lame. It was a poker game... and that's it. I was a bit on the wimpy side back then and the idea of letting loose with strippers and such was bit outside my comfort zone. I don't apologize for it - it's who I was back then. This go round? Who knows! I mean, I'm not the one getting married, so I look forward to acting stupid (safe, but stupid) even if others are not.

My bachelor party was very representative of who I was as a person... I lived life in fear a lot - I didn't trust myself... If you think I've got issues now.... well, brother, go back and visit me circa 1996. And it's not like I'm cured - I still continue to struggle with the demons of my childhood. I think overall I'm doing good, but the one thing I've learned is that it takes effort to try and go against a lifetime of experience (especially those childhood ones that really do seem to stick with you a looooooong time).

As we go through adulthood we continue to rationalize our actions and stay within our comfort zones. I'm doing the best I can to not do that, but it's tough. It's far easier to take the road I'm used to traveling versus taking a different route.... it's not to say you have to do one over the other, but I do think it's important to try new things (try living differently, even if you ultimately decide it's not a direction you want to take again).

With all that said, I'm not going to make some grand statement that I will blog on a daily basis - I think the pressure of that was too much last year. Rather, I will blog when I feel I have something to say. Fair enough?

- Punchy

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