The line between you and me....
I think a lot about the human experience... more specifically human interaction. I'm observant. I watch people - I listen to the things they say and do. But I'm getting ahead of myself. I'm not sure when or how it started - it's sort of like one of those chicken and egg sort of deals. Did I become this way because of my life experience or have I always been this way and thus my life has been what's it's been?
Regardless, I am who I am.
And who is that you ask?
To my detriment, I am someone who is hyper-aware for better or worse... mostly worse - you see being hyper-aware makes you susceptible to analyzing everything around you. Rather than living in the moment I'm forced to observe the moment. Even as I type this, I can already decipher the code of why I'm this way and most likely it's a result of my upbringing (wow, does that make me the chicken or the egg - I think I'm the egg but it's the chicken that sat on me and made me the way I am). There is no such thing as perfect parenting and I'm sure one day I will deal with my kids calling me out on my shit.
But, if there is one thing I can hope for is that I displayed some sort of consistency to the way in which I raised them, because that's the thing I DIDN'T have, which in turn is the reason I believe I'm the way I am.
You see, in the house I was raised there was no way to know what you were going to catch wreck for. There was no rhyme or reason. Something that wasn't an issue one day would suddenly be one the next. Now, granted we all have our childhood experiences and we all have our stories. And who knows, maybe we were all raised in environments where we didn't know what we'd get in trouble for... all I can say is this is how it defined who I am.
The goal in my house was to avoid getting in trouble. Being the youngest male, a poor student, a runty immature kid this meant I was getting the full onslaught from all directions be it home or school. Whether getting in trouble for God knows what at home or being bullied at school, it forced me to be on alert at all times (analyzing a situation, making choices, and trying to shape a desired outcome) -- needless to say it was emotionally grueling. Additionally, on the home front I was raised to believe that every action/choice had some sort of meaning behind it - everything was an ISSUE.
Now some of you reading this may already understand what I'm getting at. Rather than living in the moment, I was forced to analyze the moment and attribute some sort of meaning to it. This has followed me throughout my life and today I sit here typing this -- owning up to it. Fuck - this is confusing...
Bottom line is, I subjected my ex-wife to this and even some of my post divorce relationships.... Christ, how annoying! I wouldn't even want to spend time with someone like that. Now, I'm not saying it's the reason my marriage didn't work nor my relationships, but I do know it's a major turn off and I'm doing my best to change things. Sure there is some analyzing that's healthy to some degree, but I take it to a whole new level. Actually, the only analyzing I should be doing is on myself.
OK - I think I've got it figured out a little...I think self reflection and some analyzing is healthy, but what happend to me is different. As a kid, I forced to come up with meanings behind what I did, which meant it didn't have to be true, it simply had to get my mom and step dad off my back -- AND -- they would even analyze me and tell me why I did something (even if it wasn't the case) -- but I was a kid... what else could I do but just say "yeah, that must be the reason I did that."
So, there you have it. My reason for being annoying. Throughout my childhood my mom and step dad would psycho analyze my behavior and tell me why I did things and this in turn drove me to do the same. I think I've done a good job to NOT do that with my kids... BUT, I don't think I've been as successful in other aspects of my life... and I regret it -- I don't regret much, but I DO regret that.
This all goes deeper with lots of mom and trust issues, but there is only so far I can go with this posting.
To the parents out there raising their kids, I offer this in closing (for now):
On a positive note, I will say that it's a talent that has helped me in my work. To be successful in PR one needs to be able to anticipate crisis in order to avoid it. I feel one of the strongest skills I have is the ability to grasp a situation and take hold before the undesired outcome occurs. I can point to a few situations in the field where I could determine what was going to happen before it did - not quite ESP, but in the realm of it. Because of that skill I was able to avert a "disaster" (PR disasters aren't usually that big of a deal, but hey, it's my gig).
I feel like I'm just going off on tangents here. I'm tackling two issues that are related but ultimately different. I think simply stated I've been unsuccessful in relationships for a few reasons, but this is definitely one of them.
The reality is this.... you meet someone, you enjoy being with them, you see what happens... trying to anticipate the outcome (internally or externally) will just lead to failure. That's what I used to do and am trying to avoid as I move ahead. I am trying to be in the moment - it's not easy, but I'm giving it my best. Ignorance is bliss some of the time.
I think self reflection is an important quality to have, but notice the word "self", meaning it's not my place to analyze you. Sure, your actions/behaviors will lead me to draw my own conclusions about you (that's the normal human experience). But, it's not my job to attribute meaning or even tell you what I think it means (unless you ask me of course). And, if you can, just turn off your brain and live a little. Get outside of your head and enjoy life.
I really could keep going on and on about this... but you know what? I'm going to go outside and play.
See you around, suckers! I'm sure I'll have more to say on this later.