Tuesday, February 8, 2011

2/7/11

Communication stinks....


I stink....


The whole God damn machine stinks.


I don't know how I'm suppose to continue to do this.  I have so many pre-existing conditions...


41, divorced, and with kids is no way to go through life, son

I have no regrets when it comes to my kids, but I will continue to feel undesirable until someone makes me feel otherwise... that's just how I roll.  I'm sensitive to the fact that I have many rivers to cross before I think there is even a shot at something.


Those rivers?  In no particular order... however, they tend to all run together as such:


"I'm 41 - yeah, I know I don't look it."
"Oh, yeah. I'm divorced... about a year and a half ago."
"I have two kids."


So on and so forth... If I manage not to have the woman run screaming from the room, then perhaps there is a chance at moving ahead.  But the problem is it lends itself to more questioning.  It almost kills the chance of anything organic happening because now the woman has to ask herself the following:


"Do I want to go out with a 41 year old divorcee with kids?"


Fair question and almost always leading to these little gems:


"Gosh, do you think you'd want to get married again?"
"Gosh, do you think you'd want to have more kids?"


Now, those are reserved for younger women who have yet to do any of those things... but still, once that line of questioning starts there isn't much I can do as far as my sensitivity.  I've been burned by this before, so when a woman leads with it my defenses go up and I know that at any given second she can change her mind about the whole thing regardless of what she thinks of me as a person.


MY OPNION?  You could ask that married/kids question to any man whether he's been through it or not and I think there isn't much more or less of a chance at getting what you want.  You can ask a 27 year old that question, get a yes to both, and after 6 months of dating he may realize he doesn't want either of those things with the person he's been seeing.  I think the relationship ultimately determines what's possible.  Maybe a guy who says no to both ends up changing his mind because he's experiencing a relationship he never has before and it's opened up his world to new things... Like I've said before... there are no absolutes.


The most important part of all this is something I referred to in my past post -- that of emotional accountability.  I don't want to sit here and make it seem like it's all the other person's fault and I'm just the innocent in all this with my sad little violin solo.  I know I have my baggage, my shortcomings, my ingrained behavior, my mental world in which I live, my......


Am I manifesting this destiny or am I just so intuitive that I can easily read between the lines?


I believe in honesty, but I'm as guilty as the next person for not always being honest and instead taking the easy way out.


We fear honesty because we are then held to it when we are.  Once you've come clean there is nothing more to say.  There is a reason the expression "the truth will set you free" exists, because it will, but it can also lead to more problems.  So, at the same time I understand why people need to hold back the truth


Words are simply what we use to mask what we are truly feeling inside.  We struggle to get through each day without revealing too much of our inner turmoil.  When someone asks how you're doing, you say "I'm fine", but little do they know what you're dealing with in your life.


There was always that teacher in grade school who you just hated.  He or she was mean and not very patient.  And perhaps becoming a teacher wasn't the best choice for that person... BUT, that teacher is a person and Lord knows what they go home to and struggle with everyday - we have to look beyond the surface people, behind the eyes and understand that there is more to everyone.


We are our own worst enemies and our heads are almost always in conflict with hearts... they say go with your gut... but what fun is there in that?


I really need to stop eating this cookie dough.


...and in closing


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