Friday, February 18, 2011


Some late night reading for you all...

I know I'm now really late in posting this.

Let's talk about sex --- oooh, now I've got your attention.  BUT, I'm serious - let's talk about it for a moment.  In fact, let's talk about me and sex.  Let's talk about the fact that while I enjoy it very VERY much, there is a part of it that I am incredibly sensitive to...

Any idea as to what that is?  I'll give you a second... in fact, take a moment, play this video and see if you can figure out what my issue is 


OK, so here is my issue - and it's not my fault... I'm sensitive to the noise of sex - more specifically the noise of sex when someone else is in the house... even more specifically my kids (given that I'm now single I haven't had to deal with this problem since I keep the two worlds divided at this point - meaning, the kids don't meet anyone until it's serious.  So, if I'm having sex it means they aren't around).

So, why you may ask am I sensitive to the noise of it.  Well, it's simple really.  You see yours truly grew up in a condominium that had a lot of common walls.  More specifically a common wall with my mom and step-dad's room... ah, now it's starting to become clear. If the video above informs us of anything it's this.  If Chong and the lovely red headed gal are my mom and step-dad, that would make me Cheech, sans the congratulatory post-coital "I didn't know your name was Alex" line.

While the scene above is very VERY funny, it was a very VERY real thing for me growing up.  I would hear two things coming through those walls - Yelling and Fucking.  And neither were fun to here.  But I really can't imagine anything more scaring than laying in bed and having to listen to my mom get pounded by my step-dad - A step-dad who already made things uncomfortable enough by the simple fact that he walked around the house in banana hammock underwear, and worse, sometimes nothing.  Trust me, you don't want to be on the receiving end of an angry step dad whose yelling at you sans clothes.  I swear his penis had a vein that stared me down just as angrily as he did.  How horrific.  But that's another story.  I've got a lot of step dad tales.

This is the story of me having to listen to my mom have an orgasm by a man who wasn't my father for 10 years.  I don't know what more to say about that.  Maybe I don't have to say much more.  Perhaps this is enough information to send you off into your weekend with and let you meditate on the fact that groans and moans of sex don't appeal to me when someone else is nearby, because truthfully how uncomfortable is it for them.  Now, if I've got the house to myself... GO FOR IT!  Give me your porn star best - although don't make it too hot or else I might not be able to contain myself.

Ech - my kids better not read this.  I really don't want them to hear their father talk this way.  But truth is, there is no easy way to tell this story.  And it's a story that needed to be told because it helps paint the picture of who I am.  I'm a good person (although some of you may think otherwise - and you know who you are) but these are the events that contributed to my emotional delinquency.

I guess I'm done sharing for now.

Fuck me, Alex.

No comments:

Post a Comment